Saturday 4 July 2015

A kinky alien

Last night was a hot night like the past two weeks. London is subjected to its worst heatwave in recorded history. It was no surprise that last night saw some thunder. I was awakened more by the flash of light than the sound. Something pushed me to have a look through the window on our back door leading to our garden.

And there he was. Well I assume he was a he as his features were masculine like, very muscly, very bulky, very grey and definitely not human.

I should have been scared but I wasn't. I was as if I was in a trance. He comes closer and, without touching the door handle, opens the door. I step back but then completely freeze. My body is no longer responsive, as if it is at his command.

We are in the living room. I like minimalistic decorations so we have a lot of space. In that space, there is a wooden box with a complex lock on it. It is not numbers you need to match but letters. The password is KINKY.

I should be scared but I am not. It is as if, in my bones I know that I will not be harmed.

Needless to say, he found the box and opened it. He looks at me puzzled. I say they are toys. He looks as if he doesn't understand. Somehow, I understand he wants me to visualise what they are for.

He lifts the flogger without touching and then looks at me. So there I am, visualizing him flogging me on my buttocks and my shoulders while kneeling by the sofa. He looks at me even more intrigued and motions me to go by the sofa. I think I know where this is going. I remove my top and my bra and I position myself.

He starts striking but very lightly. I try to think of him striking harder. I think he understood as he does it much better. I try to visualise that it is enough and he stops.

I see him looking at the box and he pulls out my ropes. He looks puzzled. I try to imagine a simple breast tie. This time I imagine myself doing it. He gives me the ropes and I tie myself up. He looks like he quite like that.

I see the sun starting to come out. Mr Alien makes me understand that he has to leave but will come back tomorrow night and that he would like to do more of these toys.

Oh boy, have I perverted an alien?

Friday 3 July 2015

Submission - how easy it seems to come...

I have now been back on my road to submission for a week now and it is surprising how natural it feels to me. I have given up things that were not necessarily good for me and doing it within the dynamics completely remove the "oh I so miss it, I have to have it, I so have to have it" case. Because I am doing as part of my submission, there is no point thinking about it, it is so not going to happen.

I am faced with the challenges now of incorporating my submission into my every day life.

I so wanted to have these challenges, to do something positive for me & also have someone I could trust to push me that little bit forward.

Photography - writing

These are the areas I want to pursue in my own personal development. I want to be able to do both on equal basis and to do well. Someone today suggested I should become a professional photographer. I don't think I am at that level yet but I am definitely not bad and I have skills, an eye for the beautiful and quirky.

I have a feeling that my submission will help me develop these 2 areas, possibly because my Master is also a keen photographer and I have a few friends who happen to write eroticas, including my previous Dom.

I need to develop the Artist me.

Thursday 2 July 2015

Submission

I am on my journey to submission again, with a new person and it looks like we may stick together. We may have found the right blend of glue.

I am quite excited by that, in the sense that this relationship will correspond to me getting to another level of submission, one that is quite close to 24/7 in the sense that I am contactable all the time and can be required to perform tasks anytime outside working hours.

We are starting slow, rightly so. But I am very excited by this as it will enable me to indulge in that side of me that has been latent and not exploited properly.

What is fantastic is that there is someone out there who is happy to control me as I want to be controlled, like 2 sides of a coin, making us complete. If one side is missing, we are still a coin but not a fully functional one.

I know in me that I am very submissive, borderline slave. In as much as I don't identify as a slave at present, I can see that happening in the future. That may sound surprising considering my strong personality but I don't think it is incompatible being a slave and a strong person. But I need to know first what it is like to be a submissive in a proper dynamic.

So here I am, on my way to meet my Master and thus lose my freedom.

No regrets in life

Yes, the title says it all.

There is no point regretting in life. The only thing regrets do is poison your mind.

I have reached a level of inner happiness that I have never experienced before because I am now fully me and am learning to master that last skill: not to let my husband hurt me by making me angry.

The way I have been trying to live my life for the past few years is that good things and bad things will inevitably happen to you. The trick is how you react to them. You can let the bad things get to you, or not. It will change nothing to the situation but it will change the way you feel.

Similarly, I have made decisions in my life that could have been better. I could have done thongs differently. Well I didn't. So there is no point beating about the bush.

I see all these youngs assuming their life choices and they are happy. I wished I had been as brave and adventurous when I was their age. Well I wasn't. I did different things. I should not regret.

Basically what I am saying is you live the life you are meant to live. You make decisions. You live with the consequences of these decisions, whatever they are. But there is no point second guessing on the what if.

There is a French saying: What if we could put  Paris in a bottle.

I'll let you ponder on this.

Wednesday 1 July 2015

Eh Summer is here

Yes, summer is here but it is now too hot.

Last week, we were saying it was too cold for summer and now it is too hot.

We're never happy with our lot, aren't we!

I so want a bath when I get home. Except I won't be able too as I'll have to pick up the kid, prepare his tea, give him a shower... Well, be a mum. My time only starts at 20:30, this is me and fun time.

What I want to give my Master for the support he gives me

Basically, I want to give my Master my body and soul within the limits that have been agreed.

I want to give my body for him to play with, to tease, to torture. Do note that nipples are a very sensitive area so, if you want to play there, you have to lock my hands behind my back, otherwise you will have resistance, no matter how strong my submission is towards you. This is a given.

My body is all yours to do as you wish.

I want to give you my soul also but there are two sides to it: a submissive part and a cheeky bratty part. The submissive me will give you her obedience, her devotion. The submissive me will aim at pleasing you, making you happy. But the cheeky bratty part will aim at making you laugh, making sure you have fun or will wake the primal Master in you. She will give you challenges, that's for sure. But I want to give you that side of me.

I want to give you my violence and my need of being controlled through violence. I want to give you the opportunity to see what lies in the deepest part of me, the primal me where my soul is laid bare, where there is nowhere to hide.

But most of all, I want to give my Master my friendship and support back, listening to Him when He needs to, advising Him when He needs it, and just be there for Him when He needs me.

Tuesday 30 June 2015

FetLife, you nearly sucked me in again

Yesterday I was on Fetlife a bit more, interacted with someone, checking what my friends were up to, seeing what events were there and slowly slowly I could see myself sinking into it again, checking bondage pictures, cat pictures.

As soon as I have realised what was happening, I have logged off.

FetLife is a big Monster that needs to be kept under control.

I have to hold it on a tight leash now.

Ummm, leash ... here's a thought.

Expect the unexpected...

Well, once again, the saying has proven accurate.

As I was gradually moving away from FetLife and some of the kink world, having taken back my gift of submission for lack of worthy recipient, there comes the almighty benevolent Master, ready to take me under his wings and his guidance.

And here I am, I have decided to join his dominion and am happily no longer free.

I think that my chains are very much escape proof. I am not going anywhere.

Monday 29 June 2015

PRL, the day after

What a change from last month.

The organisers have arranged a discussion on various matters and it was great, including on how to approach people. This is common sense to ask but unfortunately, humans are shy creatures afraid of rejection and therefore we don't.

I had a really good time even if rope was only a small part of it. I saw friends, inc my ex, with who I had a very nice interaction and it was great. It also dreadfully help if you have someone already before attending.

Basically, I had a good day. I would have hated dropping PRL from the events I attend. I am dropping the Camden Crunch during the summer months as it is starting too late. It may reverse back in Autumn.

Today, I am tired but happy. 😊

Sunday 28 June 2015

PRL, here I come.

Another half an hour and I am making my way to Peer Rope London.

Last time was a total disaster. This time, I hope my experience will be a more positive one.

I find that breaking into that scene is incredibly difficult. The worst is I am sure that there are riggers out there in need of a bunny and they are just faced with the same issues I am usually faced with.

Today, I come in better circumstances as I'll meet a rigger friend. I hope that my day will end on a positive note and not frustrated.

#Scales & #Weight

Oh God. I knew that I put on weight by sitting  in an office all day. Well, in 2 months, I have put one half of what it took me a year to lose.

This is my wake up call.

I am over 109 kgs.

I am hereby setting the following challenge:

By January 2016, I must be below 103 kgs.

I am not asking for the world, I am just asking for 1 kg of weight loss per month, ie 250 grs per week. This should be feasible.

I will keep you updated on my progress.

If I fall on the side and don't succeed for a month, I won't be disappointed as it is not a race but it has to go down and certainly not up.

My first resolution yesterday was to give up lattes and cappucinos. Also, I am giving up viennoiseries.

I need to realise that EATING because you're BORED is not the solution.

Now that I have it out of my system, I'm good.

Saturday 27 June 2015

Z for Zoos - #SpankingA2Z

And now for the last letter of this challenge Z.

Why Zoos? Well, why not? In zoos, we see animals in action and they don't feel in anyway shy or whatever. They go on doing whatever they want to do, how they want to do it. If they want to fuck in plain sight, well, I'm pretty sure that would happen.

Where do I go here.

What I am saying is society has given us rules to follow, behaviours to respect and follow. All this is learned behaviour. When you are primal, you completely let go of this learned behaviour and just be instinct.

This does not mean that you let go of the principles of right and wrong. These will stay with you. But you let go of what is expected of you in play.

When I play, I am no longer a mum. I am just me. Mum will reappear a little while afterwards when the play is over. Because I let go of any baggage I may have, I get to experience magic, I get to be really alive, I access my deepest desires, emotions and I get balance.

Play is the time when my excess can express itself, usually through violence, through resistance. It is a way to reach catharsis.

I have never been mentally balanced as I am now since I indulge into BDSM. And I have never tapped into my inner happiness until when I have realised that everything that I need, all the tools that I need are within me.

My level of self-understanding has gone up exponentially and I am now a positivity powerhouse.

I am happy.

This concludes my A to Z challenge. I am sorry I didn't write everyday but Real Life got in the way. I hope you enjoyed reading my posts as I have in writing them. Take care.

Y is for Yes... Preferably yes, Sir with a bratty tone - #SpankingA2Z

It is so good to be able to say Yes.

Yes is a positive word, opening door to all sort of things and experience.

No can be positive too when you are after a punishment from your Dom and you are pushing his buttons.

I am pretty good at pushing people's buttons and I know my backside will hurt when I do that with someone in particular (not saying anything!).

Anyway, Yes is a fantastic word and it belongs to my vocabulary very much.

X for Exes - #SpankingA2Z

I think the secret to happiness is not to have the following:

Expectations
Regrets
Remorse
A need to hang onto the past
A need to prepare for the future

Yes, we can prepare for the future but only within reason, it should not become pathological which has become the case with my husband and caused the failure of my marriage. He wanted to build for our old ages and our son but forgot that he had a family and that we needed him more than we needed his money.

I have decided not to hang on to this feeling of wasted years waiting for someone who would, in the end, never be in the here and now.

Now, Exes. There are more exes than my husband. They can be Doms, friends, colleagues, bosses. They can be whoever.
Whatever has happened, positive or negative, there is no point hanging on to it as it belongs to the past. You need to move on.

I reflect on those with emotions but I won't let them stop me from moving on.

My journey is a straight line. Some have been travelling on the same route and we have shared those moments for years. Some are only on this route for a short period.

My point is to enjoy the time you have with them for as long as it lasts. Focus on the present. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow. I could be dead tomorrow for all I know. And it would be OK. Why? Because I am at peace with myself and I am happy, with the world and with me.

W for Words - #SpankingA2Z

Words have very big power on me. If my Dom tells me to OBEY, I go deep in my submissive state and this is is what I do.

Words can induce fear, as in I have to receive my punishment and it is not something I relish (that actually never happened to me yet but could very well be).

Words can induce pride, when my Dom tells me I have been a good girl.

Words can destroy when I am named-called and it is a hell of a climb to do to restore my self-confidence.

Words give me pleasure when I write on my blog.

Words can make you ill when you can't get them out of your head or heal you when you talk them through.

I love words, both spoken and written.

V for voice - #SpankingA2Z

I have a voice. I use it to say that I am happy, that I am hurt, that I am hungry or anything.

In submission, my voice is transformed. It is no longer vocal. It is expressed through my actions, my dedication, my submission to my Dom. Words are still important but here is the case where actions speaks louder than words or where you walk the walk rather than  talk the talk.

A voice can be used to say nothing or voice can be used to say something meaningful, to take a risk, to take a chance on someone.

A voice can be made of the sound of one person or of many. It can have volume or not be heard at all.

Voice can be plenty or nothing.

I have a voice and I use it in anyway I can, through sounds, through my words, through my pictures. The voice you hear and see is all of me.

U for Universe - #SpankingA2Z

The universe is a pretty big place and we are only a tiny speck in the fabric of space and time.

This is far too profound for a Saturday morning but nevertheless it is very important.

Why is that?

Because our own Universe, however big it may seem, if we are not happy in it, it doesn't matter how big or how small it is, it is not a good place to be.

My own Universe is inside my brain and my heart. My own Universe is tiny. But it is a  positive and happy place to be.

It doesn't matter that I am a tiny speck in the fabric of space and time, what matters is that this speck is scintillating out of happiness.

T for Timing - #SpankingA2Z

Playing is like being a battery. You play and you get recharged ready for anything.

Yesterday I played. My last real play dated way way way back.

But this play was not really planned, only a little bit, or even a real scene but it felt good, as in having a good piece of fun and I really gelled with the person I played with. We shared a good moment there.

It was also perfect timing as Peer Rope is coming up and I won't be frustrated as I usually am and thus will go there in a much more positive frame of mind. Actually, I am going there paired with a friend rigger already so it will definitely be a lot easier this time around.

Good things happen to those who wait. I have waited. I have, honest.

Friday 26 June 2015

My book - my new frontier

That's it, I have taken the first step towards writing my book. It is not going to be a big 500 page volume but a smaller affair.

I usually write on the fly, wherever my inspiration takes me but this time my story will be thought of, planned, will have a proper little synopsis and hopefully will come out as a finished article.

As for the story itself, I am thinking of reusing some of the characters already shown on my blog and possibly get them to meet each others.

If there are stories you prefer or particularly liked, you are welcomed to contact me via the comment box. If you don't want it to be published, just let me know too.

This is the start of my new adventure.

Thursday 25 June 2015

S for Surprises - SpankingA2Z

It is funny how life gives you surprises. I used to swear I was a rope bottom through and through, that I wouldn't tie.

Yesterday, I had the confirmation I want to tie. I am not comfortable to tie anyone else apart from the person I have now tied twice, maybe because we both started together in this, she as a bottom, me as a top and therefore not judgemental of how things should be or not be. We're there to have fun and we most certainly do.

PRL is coming and I should be a bottom then but I am looking forward to see if I can get some topping skills there too. I will need to find someone to tie now! But the person will need to be female. I don't feel comfortable tying a male. I don't know why, well, I kind of do. This is to compartmentalise. I am a sub and not a switch D/s wise. Maybe I am scared of discovering that I could be a switch in D/s or maybe more comfortable as a Domme. Yes, you did read correctly. This doesn't seem so foreign in me as it used to in the past. And I can certainly tell you that if I indulge in my Domme streak, I will be the sadistic kind.

Something else I have also discovered is I think I could Domme girls. But I don't know if it goes all the way to the sexual side. My gut feeling says no.

Which means I have been handed a few surprises, broadening my horizon and becoming myself ever more.

Wednesday 24 June 2015

Holly & James at playing at the LAM tonight and it is rope play!

God, I'm late. Sorry, got to go. Have a nice evening!

That's me, rushing out of the office and on my way to my play party at the LAM. Yes, I work on Sundays in the office. We kind of work 24/7 in shifts, funny place to work for and great ambience.

Never mind, we're not here to talk about my work life but more about what I am so going to do tonight.

James will be there. He's my rigger friend who is so good at being evil and giving me all types of challenging ropes. I love rope pain and I so love being put into those very restricting positions that would seem so uncomfortable. For me, it is my comfort zone, where I get to bliss out and be so happy! So James, if you didn't get it, is a sadist, but of the more imaginative kind.

I am so looking forward to my play.

I am going there in my office clothes.

Oh, what do I see? Someone is getting arrested just outside the tube station. I can see the person is struggling very much and the policemen are fighting hard to handcuff that man. Now, I should be shocked by this scene but actually I am getting so excited. Did I tell you I was primal? Well, now you know though you must be wondering what all this primal thing means.

Basically I am very much into struggling and into fighting. The scene I have just seen very much corresponds what I am into. I am a bit bonkers, aren't I?

Anyway, I am now at the venue, paid my fee though I was asked the double first, wondering why. The person had thought I was with the person behind me! Oh well, that happens.

I'm making my way to the second basement where the party is in full swing and all sorts of things are happening, people getting flogged, someone having a needle play, someone with a dog face mask walking on all four, held by a leash by a very tall dark lady in leather. God I love this world. This is where I am the most comfortable, among my kinky friends.

I see James having a drink with a lady in red (yep, that song, can't escape it).

- James, hi, it's so good to see you. Hi, my name is Holly.
- I'm Sandra, it's my first time here.
- Oh you're going to love it here Sandra. You can watch us play, me and James if you want. James, I can't stay too long as my next shift starts only in 3 hours, I have pulled the graveyard shift as my colleague is sick. I can only stay 1 hour. Can we do a quick one?
- Holly, anything for you. Let me get my ropes and we'll get started. Can you join me by the ball pool, I think we'll have more space to play there.

And off we go, get ready for our play.

I love it when he lays his rope on his cloth on the floor and we start both of us kneeling down, him holding me, touching me, getting me into the zone, the rope space that I love so much.

And he grabs a rope, uncoils it and let it falls on the floor, making a sound that sends a wave of pleasure throughout my body. He grabs both my arms and take my hands behind my back to bind them together as a start of his signature box tie. He knows I like to be tied tight and today, he is true to form, pulling the rope very tight across my body, imprisoning my arms more and more, rending me totally helpless and at his mercy to get started on the legs for the real fun as he knows that we can't do any rope pain on my upper body (hard limit, I cannot risk an injury, my hands are what I use to earn a living). Oh boy, he doesn't disappoint. He is tying my legs together by pulling the rope very tightly on each turn, sending wave of pleasure along the way and thus sending me to lalaland. This is what I like about this, being in this state where everything feels so good. It doesn't matter I am starting a new shift in 3 hours when I have finished my last one 2 hours ago. At the moment, I feel so so good.

Unfortunately, as my time is short, James starts untying me, bringing me back to planet Earth and to reality. I am going to be flying still by the time I go back to the office but that's OK. There won't be anyone as I'll be on my own. I might have a quick nap before I leave, though I don't know how I'll manage.

Anyway, this is all from me for now. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll pop in soon, I promise.

I am a rope switch, most definitely

Today was the confirmation that I am a rope switch. I like topping.

But also I can only top one person so far but am confident that, when my rope knowledge & safety knowledge increase, I will be able to take on more.

On both occasions I have tied, it has been rope without emotions.

I would love to find out how it feels when you are leading the magical dance. I feel I have this in me to do it.

I certainly will pursue this, among all my other endeavours.

Monday 22 June 2015

R for Reason - #SpankingA2Z

Funishment, we don't need a reason to get them. I am all for them and I'll be the one to trigger them, knowing how much of a brat I am.

Funishment is punishment you do for fun. This is brilliant. Now, you can indulge in a bit of spanking, flogging or corner time if it is your thing.

For me it is about feeling the control that my Dom has over me. It is all about the control. But it needs to be done in a fun and pleasurable way for both parties.

Yep, funishment, you don't need a reason to indulge. Just go for it.

Q for quality - #SpankingA2Z

I choose my friends very carefully. I don't have hundreds of them. They are a dozen at most. But they are the people I enjoy being with.

I have noticed though that the greater majority are actually much younger than me, actually this is great.

But at the same time, I am faced to my own limitations as a single mum. I see all that they do and I am happy for them, it's brilliant. It is just not possible for me. So I am there on the outside looking in.

I went to the Crunch on Friday and had the realisation that this event is no longer for me. Why? The bar used to be opened by 7 and I could socialise a bit before leaving at 8:30 / 9 to be with my son. Opening at 8 makes it now totally pointless. And that's OK. I just won't do that one.

Now you are wondering why I mention quality... All my friends are brilliant and different. Some are completely vanilla (a tiny minority) and most are totally kinky. They are all clever, interesting, challenging, positive basically they are alive! I keep in touch with them because they bring me such a joy. But I don't just take anyone on board. They have to  have that "je ne sais quoi" that makes them stand out from the crowd. Once friend with me, you tend to be friend for life. I have 2 friends who have stuck around for all these years, P & V. They are both equally my best friends.

Those new friends have the potential of having such a marked influence in my life though only time will tell. I have met my soul mate as no one before got me the way he did but it only lasted a few months. You see, this is what I mean about quality. It is not a matter of number or length of time, it is all in the quality of the relationship.

Sunday 21 June 2015

P for Penis - #SpankingA2Z

Ahhhh Penis

Now this is such a good subject.

Men are so proud of their penis, what they look like, how big they are, how straight they get, how they'd like to fuck us with it.

Even men are so proud of it that they think we'd recognise them from their penis (I mean penis profile pictures on Fetlife).

Come on men, the shape or length of your penis is irrelevent. It is a penis, that's all, the same as I have a vagina. It is there for a function, to have fun. Just don't make life complicated for yourself. Your penis is great. Don't fret.

O for oh, ah ooooooh ORGASM! - #SpankingA2Z

I don't know how a man feels his orgasm but God, being a woman is great.

I have noticed my orgasms are much better in my older age (well middle age really) than when I was younger. Also, I am becoming proficient in the use of vibrators and more vibrators!  I am now starting my collection, having ordered a new one and getting a Fifty Shades of Grey special edition for free (not that I care for the FSOG brand, if I get high up, then I'm all good). 

The fact that I can have sexual pleasure on my own means that not being in a relationship is not so much of a downer. And therefore, I can still be happy with my own life, looking after my kid, going about my business and get a bit of pleasure on the side, on my own terms.

What's not to like?

Grey - ready for it?

OK, the Fifty Shades frenzy is here with us again, this time not from Anastasia's point of you but that of Christian Grey. We had a preview of this at the end of the third tome.

So lets brace ourselves for all the misconceptions, jokes, satire whatever coming from people who:

1. have not read the books
2. have read but is taking the author's words as if she wrote a documentary on a BDSM person rather than A WORK OF FICTION
3. are people from the scene and take everything she wrote at the first degree.

Let's be straight here: Christian Grey is an abusive bastard, but one who is growing as a person throughout the book.

Yes, Christian Grey is portrayed as damaged. But it is only a character in the book and it doesn't reflect reality.

My point is, it is all a work of fiction. Just get on with it. There are plenty of other books like that. It doesn't mean that they are a reflection of reality.

Us BDSM people are the same as non-BDSM people. We are not different to Bob, Peter or Charles. We just like our sex extra-spicy.


In case of misunderstanding

I just had a thought. I hope you guys out there are not thinking that I am thinking that FL is a waste of time, as well as groups in FL are a waste of time. They all serve a purpose and I have known a number of great people via these groups. I have learned a lot about myself through their questions and stories.

Nevertheless, for me, it is time to focus my energy on something else. I am in the process of rebuilding my life and this is what I need to do.

Fetlife is great, groups are great, and Fetlifers are a fantastic bunch of people.

So that you don't get me wrong.

Fetlife reflex

That's it, I went to Fetlife today to respond to emails and I didn't check my feed for fear of falling into temptation again.

When checking the internet, I find myself entering Fetlife address by reflex, not even thinking about it. It shows how much it has gone into my blood. It is a tool to use to lose time.

I am reclaiming my time to do things instead like playing with my ropes (that was happening in any case).

I miss receiving FL group emails but at the end of the day, these were meaningless. I have done a Hotmail sweep on those and since I have been on FL (something like Sept / Oct 2014), I have received over 5500 emails. Yep, you read that right. This is how much emails you get when you are member of big groups and are active there.

But definitely I am moving on and will focus on the things that really matters.

Saturday 20 June 2015

N for Naughty - #SpankingA2Z

Ah N for naughty

First of all, I have been very naughty falling off the bandwagon but unfortunately real life came about and knocked me down a bit. I am now good and ready to go.

Why N for naughty?

Those who know me will know that I am very good at brattitude and knows how to push those lovely Doms' buttons, usually at the risk to my own person!

Being a brat is more than just for fun. I have a deep desire to challenge the authority. Oh boy, you give me the hand, I'll take the arm for sure!

And I am very quick at thinking on my feet and will find a way to continue my brattitude.

Fortunately, if the Dom is good at his job, he will nip my brattitude at its infancy and I will also most certainly have a red bottom!

I am addicted to Fetlife

Funny thing how we are addicted to receiving emails even if they are junk or irrelevant.

I have removed myself from all Fetlife groups and therefore I am not receiving anything anymore. I have withdrawal symptoms.

I have seen someone liking one of my writing,   I had to resist going to check which writing she liked. I am not going to do that. I will resist. 22 hours before I allow myself a peak at Fetlife and it will only be a peak as I will try to make it 48 hours next time to increase it to only once a week or prior to an event to ensure it is still on.

Fetlife is a drug and I am treating it like that weaning myself off something I have used to occupy my days when I didn't have anything better to do. But now, it is different. I am working (I don't know for how long) and I have a purpose. I am no longer floating randomly anywhere. I am back on my straight line.

It is good to be on that line.

All change, all change

All change, this is the last stop, all change.

At the moment, I feel I have gone as far as I could in the world of kink and I am stepping back a bit, focusing on me and making me happy.

I have neglected my writing the past 2 weeks and it shows. I have to go back to it and be more serious this time.

I have wasted time looking for that elusive Dom who could take me on but I don't regret doing it as it made me realise that I will not cheapen myself in order to be with someone nor would I sacrifice my integrity.

Here's the thing. My integrity is paramount to me.  This is what makes me. It is what ensures my sanity.  So, unless I meet the person in real life, and we click and we decide that we are right for each other, I will remain single.

I have mentioned stepping back but I am not completely removing myself from the kink world together. I will attend events, albeit only the ones that I get something from.

I need to go back to my writing but this time, I want to get cracking on my book and I have to resume the A to Z spanking challenge.

So where does that leave us?

I will carry on writing on my blog. I'll try to resume posting some erotica though my lack of practical experience is now curbing my imagination. I am sure I'll find a way to keep you entertained.

There you have it.

Thursday 18 June 2015

Art

As I can't seem to be adequate for Doms out there, I am taking back my gift of submission and will focus on my art instead. I have my pen name so I should get cracking about my book. Also I have decided on Langue de Chat for my name as a photographer.

At the moment, I do my photos with my phone but I may look at investing into a professional camera that I would keep with me always for those candid moments like a potted cat!

I have waited all my married life to share something with someone and it didn't quite happen. It looks like it is not going to happen out of my marriage too, at least for a while.
I can as well use this time over something positive, which makes my happiness, my art.

I have a lot of learning to do. But I am going to learn.

I wanted to be a photographer for a long time, since being at the university. I have folders of nature's postcards or Scottish postcards (I have always been attracted by Scotland and would have emigrated there back in 1996 if I thought I would succeed - unfortunately London proved a more reasonable choice). I had bought a proper camera then and did do some great pictures in the Jardin de Luxembourg, especially that big fountain hidden by the leaves and trees.

I have fond memories of my first attraction and I am definitely going back to my roots there.

Am I too scary?

I am clever, cerebral, kinky, self-assured & confident, strong minded and I like violence in the bedroom.

Reading this... That could intimidate some men out there.

But really, you shouldn't. I am just a normal girl.

Wednesday 17 June 2015

Doms out there... don't be scared of primals

We all seem to like our labels: subs, brat, primals, masochists.

Some people are one of these things, others are two of these things, I am all of these things.

Does it make me any less sub than others? I don't think so.
Does being a brat means you are not a sub? I don't think so.

Submission is putting yourself under the will of someone else within the agreed parameters of the relationship. The dynamic can take many forms and does not necessarily mean that the submissive will let herself put down unless she choose to be in that position. You see, Doms get to have submissives because the submissive chooses to submit and to submit on her terms.
This seems to be something a bit tough to accept for some of the Doms out there. Yes, it is totally OK for subs to have limits. Subs do have limits, as Doms have limits too.

I am so sorry but I will only submit within the limits I have agreed to submit to. Within these limits, I will be totally obedient, except the odd time when I will fancy ... a bit of brattitude. But then it is up to you to make sure that I don't brat you. It is all in the control. Control me and I'll be obedient.

But you know what, I am tired of trying to justify who I am, what I do, how I play, why I play this way.

Now if you want to play with me, I'd gladly do it if you are happy with who I am.
If you want to be my Dom, well, you need to be OK with the whole of me. I don't want you to be with me just to fuck me. I am not a fucktoy.
Take all of me or don't take me at all.


Tuesday 16 June 2015

M for Music - #SpankingA2Z

M for music

My life does have a soundtrack. Important times in my life have been punctuated by specific songs.

When my D/s relationship broke up, I was very much listening to Robyn, Be mine. It very much corresponded to how I was feeling at the time. It could have been on any other subjects, but I thought it was what I needed at the time.

The chorus goes like this:

You never were and never will be mine

I think it reflects very much the fact that relationships are that. We don't belong to one another. We just share a moment, a joy, a pain. Also inherently we are free and as free beings, we have the right and obligations to be true to ourselves and end a relationship when there is no longer something positive to be gained from it.

It may sound cold but it makes that moment shared all the more valuable. I have spent 17 years with someone I was not happy with, and he unhappy with me. Now we are both happy apart. Being free makes all the difference.

I am starting a new relationship with someone new. I am looking forward to sharing other great moments and possibly have a new iconic song.

At the moment, it is Cascada, Glorious!

Sunday 14 June 2015

L for love - #SpankingA2Z

Love, now this is a subject that scares me.

Love is great when all is rosy.
Love is makes you more energetic, clever, interesting...

But love scares me as it hurts when it doesn't work anymore.

In the end, what do we love? Do we love the person or the relationship we have with that person?

How do we differentiate between the two of them?

Love, I think I need to write something about it. But I am too late today to do that. It will be for another time. Feel free to comment with your ideas.

Friday 12 June 2015

K for Kink - #SpankingA2Z

K had to be for Kink.

I am kinky as fuck and I am proud to be. Life is so much more colourful when you are kinky and I am so happy to be a member of this world.

I am looking forward to being an active participant again. 😊

Thursday 11 June 2015

J for Juggling - #SpankingA2Z

J was a hard letter but actually juggling between vanilla and kinky lives is equally hard.

Being a single mum makes it that bit harder. But I now have a good relationship with my son's dad and things are now OK and we all have a happy life interacting with each others.

Now, adding kink to the mix and it makes it even harder if the other person has commitments too.

I work part-time and will use this freedom to enjoy my kink, enjoy my writing and photography.
Summer is here and it is the time to be out.

My writing is suffering a bit as I haven't lived my kink so much lately and it is what feeds my inspiration. Hopefully I will have a Dom soon which will resolve this problem. Even though most of my writing originates from my imagination, there is always an element of reality attached to them, albeit very small in most of them but still reality is always the starting point of my writings. I wouldn't write if it wasn't to express something that I need to express, that I need to understand and make sense of or something that I need to feel.  But all this takes time and time is limited when you are a mum.

But I am happy to let you know that I am on my way to resolve all these issues and resume on writing naughty stories for your pleasure.

In the meantime, I leave you with this rose that I have taken the picture of this morning.


Wednesday 10 June 2015

I for I - #SpankingA2Z

Well, I could only be I, isn't it? The only thing that is most important to me and you is to look after the "I", making sure that "I" is happy, satisfied, not frustrated, getting the right level of rewards and frustrations and be the best "I" that can be.

Now how can that be made better?

By listening to what the "I" wants?

I want a good old fashioned spanking. Well, either I do it myself or I get someone to do it for me.

I want to put my feet up tonight and get my slaves to look after me for once, well I could always call up some (before you wonder, I don't have any slaves and would not have anyone do that for me, I very much look after myself, thank you).

Now, let's get to something a bit deeper.

I have been told that "I" will never be this or will never be that.

I have been told that "I" will never get this or will never get that.

I have been told that "I" am not good enough.

Well, let me tell them this:

I will be who I am meant to be.

I will get what I am meant to get.

And I am so good enough!

Tuesday 9 June 2015

H for Hobby - #SpankingA2Z

I am totally fascinated by ropes, by its power over the body and mind and it is my hobby. I dedicate a lot of time to my hobby.

Rope gives pain and pleasure.
Rope gives anguish and peace.
Rope can make someone beautiful or no as it can be used to distort rather than harmonise.

Rope is a bit like Ying Yang, 2 sides of a same coin.

I can't live without ropes anymore. Ropes are in my DNA. I need it as much as I need to breath. Actually, ropes is much more than a hobby. It is essential.

God, I love ropes.

Monday 8 June 2015

G for Gain - #SpankingA2Z

I had a lot of choices for G. I was suggested gagging on cock for instance or I was thinking gross. I chose instead Gain.

Why Gain?

Because there is a lot to be gained when you let someone in your life, when you take a chance.

There is a lot to be gained when you go out there and you interact with people.

There is a lot to be gained when you realise that the secret to happiness doesn't lie in others but very much inside of you.

Sometimes you are invisible to others, sometimes they see you. But you always see yourself and you are always with yourself. Therefore, there is a lot to be gained in taking a chance and live your life for yourself.

Saturday 6 June 2015

A one night stand with possibilities - Part 3

Oh My God, this is so exciting, I so never have done something like this before. I only met Jack yesterday and I am going to his hotel room!  This is really bonkers.

As he opens the door, he lets me in so that I can take in the view which doesn't disappoint. He is in a quite large suite, again in Rococo style and with gold being the dominant colour here. The bathroom contains a very big bath with jacuzzi, a bidet (God knows what it is used for), a twin sink and a toilet with a gold coloured seat. I am in the lap of luxury!

- Claudine, come and join me in the bedroom.

- I'm coming Jack.

And I am welcomed to his collection of toys which doesn't disappoint: whips, floggers, crops and a lot of other fun things. I wonder how many luggages he has taken with him!

- Claudine, I want you to choose the toys you would like me to use on you. We haven't discussed limits so we can do that at the same time. What are your hard and soft limits?

As I make my choice, I enumerate what I don't want him to do, what I would like to try and what I like done on me. I choose a soft leather flogger and a nice crop.

While I chose the implements, he went to get a metallic collar which he is holding in his hand and a key that he is holding on his other hand.

- Claudine, I would like you to undress now. Remove everything.

Which I duly do.

- Claudine, kneel by the bed, I am going to put on this collar on you. As soon as it is on, you are my property to do as I please. We'll use the traffic light safewords. Are we OK on those?

- Yes Sir

- Good girl.

And he puts the collar on, locking it via a tiny screw that I cannot access.

- Put your hands in front of you. I am going to cuff you with these police issued handcuffs. They are inescapable.

And that he did. He pushes my head down the bed and starts spanking me harshly, straight from the onset. I try to lift my head but I can't as he is holding it down. I can't even push him away as my hands are cuffed. So here we go.

As he spanks me, he puts his hand on my sex and can feel my juices flowing. So he spanks me some more.

He grabs the flogger and starts flogging me rhythmically, also hard.

I am starting to get my shot of endorphin to my brain and I am starting to fly. This is so good.

He grabs a condom and fucks me doggy style but doesn't let me orgasm and leaves me wanting for more.

He takes the crop and starts hitting my tights, on the outside first and then on the inside. He does it gently and then hits hard on my clit. Oh God, what's that! I almost orgasm at this point.

And he does it again, on the outside and then on the inside and then the clit. This is so good.
And I have a body shattering orgasm.

He grabs some rope and ties my breasts very tightly, restricting my breathing and makes me lie on my back on the bed.

At that moment, something happens in my head and the animal is awakened. I am cuffed but I am trying to escape, to fight back and to leave the bed.

Jack grabs both my arms and pins them down. Already with a condom on, he straddles me and fucks me again. He no longer holds my arms but the handcuffs, pushing me down further. With the lack of breath, the endorphin rush, the orgasm, the sex, I am completely in another world, I am so flying.

When he is finished, he removes the handcuffs and lets me lie on my side. He puts his arm over my chest, still tied and holds me close.

- Claudine, I am going to untie your breasts, remove the collar and I would like you to get dressed up and we'll talk.

Now that's a surprise. We just had a great time and this sounds... odd. I do as he says and he asks me to join him on the side of the bed.

- Claudine, I really enjoyed it tonight. I am leaving on a business trip tomorrow and won't be back for another 3 months. I don't know what you would like to do but I would definitely like to see you again when I come back. I cannot offer you a relationship but just casual sex. I really like you.

- Jack, I was not under any illusions. I really liked tonight and yes, I'd like to see you again when you're back.

We chatted some more and then I left. I had a great night. But it looks like it may be just one night, a night stand. Yes, we might see each other again, but yet again we might not.

At least, I have followed my heart and had a good time. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.








F for Fellatio - #SpankingA2Z

In the BDSM world, oral sex, especially fellatio, seem to be a really big thing. I have ended a few negotiations with potential Doms as the F act was too high up on their agenda.

But for me, here's the thing. It scares the hell of me. I have never managed to do it properly and I feel disgust when I have a cock in my mouth.

I don't mean that I don't want to try again.

I mean it is going to be a hell of a mountain to climb.

Friday 5 June 2015

E for Education - #SpankingA2Z

This is not Educating Rita but educating Tess we're concerned here.

Tess went from a normal dull mum, bored in her married wife life, to a funky, kinky full on bonkers erotica writer (when she has the time) looking to recruit a Dom to complete her education in all things BDSM and sex (so much fun to be had still).

In the past 3 months, Tess found out that she was primal and according to the NHS good health guidelines, it is a very good thing, for being primal mean being very energetic, doing lots of cardio exercise pushing that Dom away and thus meeting the minimum weekly exercise requirements to be healthy. It can only be good. Now, where is my personal trainer...

Thursday 4 June 2015

D for Devotion - #SpankA2Z

I am all playful and all naughty but I am also a sub. My Dom is my leader, my guide, my protector.

I offer him my devotion, my servitude, my whole being.

Submission is very strong and very much defines me in every areas of my life, including in the office where I have found myself wanting to put myself in service of others (ie helping others).

I am very devoted to what I do, no matter what they are: my work, my writing or my relationships. Either I give my all or I don't bother starting.

D is definitely for Devotion.

Wednesday 3 June 2015

C for Connection - #SpankA2Z

One of the things I love about playing with people is the human contact, the connection both mental and physical.

This connection is magical, like a dance where one is applying his will onto someone else and the recipient gets to experience a wide range of sensations ranging from pleasure, pain to catharsis. I don't know what a top experiences but I do know that I get to lose myself in a completely different world where nothing matters any more, where everything is good and pink.

I have played only twice this month and I so miss this human contact, this connection. God I gotta play.

Tuesday 2 June 2015

A flower in stone



It goes to show that beauty can be found in the strangest of places

B is also for Bondage - #SpankA2Z

Bondage is so important to me. It is the big thing in my sexuality and without it, I cannot express that side of me.

I don't like bondage that is nice and cosy. I am not a fluffy person. Bondage has to restrict, it has to hurt.

What I and my ex had noticed is positions that are meant to be harsh and though are actually pleasurable for me and comfortable. It is as if I have a reverse switch compared to what is usual response when presented to a situation.

I like all sort of bondage though my favourite tool is rope. I like the feel of steel, the harshness and coldness of it. I want to experience being bound in steel chains one day from top to bottom. Due to my size, the person will need a lot of it but I do hope someone out there will be up to the challenge.

B is definitely a good letter.

Sent from my Windows Phone

B should also be for Buses

Every morning is the same, you wait for your bus to go to work and it is always full up, except that it is virtually empty at the back. Drivers don't see that and refuse to stop, thinking their buses are full, except that they are not.

I should have taken the train... Bloody Buses.

B for Bravado - #SpankA2Z

Everyone knows I am a brat. And I am so good at it. But it is all bravado in order to elicit a reaction from my Dom which usually happens as I often end up over his knees for a spat of spanking.

Spanking is not a punishment for me, it is just pure fun on both side resulting in lots of giggles, a sore bottom and an equally sore hand!

Yesterday's bravado was making my Dom horny by sending him some alluring messages during the day. I was so succesful that he was all worked up when coming home and we went straight to the bedroom. I definitely scored yesterday!

Monday 1 June 2015

A for Animal - #SpankA2Z

In bed I am an Animal. I like it rough and hard. I fight tooth and nails too and will not surrender until I am made to surrender.

But the harder I fight, the harder my punishment is and it is usually spanking.

It can take many shapes and forms but usually it is very painful.

Nevertheless, I will not have it any other way as the fun is far too much fun to let it go and be all meeky.

I am a black panther, very seductive, very clever and oh so deadly if you cross me.

But also I am addictive as the love you get from me can be found nowhere else for I am unique and a prize so worthwhile to claim.

So this is me, I am an Animal.

Sunday 31 May 2015

Never ending heartbreak

I have been quite good the past few weeks, having moved on with my life, actively looking for my Dom, forging new friendships, moving forward, learning to be happy again.
And I have let my guard down and had a quick peak at the past.
And it all came flooding back in, all the anger, the sadness, the feeling of loss, the mental pain that comes with losing something that changed me profoundly and irrevocably.
I am sure it is just a set back and I will be again on my way to happiness again.

Monday 25 May 2015

A one night stand with possibilities - Part 2

7pm, I am at the foyer of the Grand Hotel, dressed up in my favourite purple flowery dress and my purple sandals. The hotel where we are having dinner is very grandiose and flamboyant with a Rococo style decor. We are dining in a very lavish environment tonight. I think I look a bit out of place here and should probably have worn a long evening dress and a fascinator, not that I own any of those, nor do I have the money to have any of those.  Anyway, Jack is late. It is 10 past 7 and he's still not here.  I take a seat in a very plush armchair, feeling all of a sudden swallowed in. I close my eyes and just enjoy this moment of comfort and simple pleasure when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Jack has finally arrived, some 20 minutes late. He does look flustered so he must have rushed to be here. Maybe he has a good excuse, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

- Good evening Claudine, I am so sorry to have made you wait but I could not leave the office in time, we had a Major Incident to deal with requiring all the senior staff to stay behind. It is now all resolved and here I am.

- Well, I was starting to get a little annoyed but let's move on. What is a Major Incident?

- That's something that is serious enough to affect a certain number of staff. They need resolving as a priority and if they happen at the end of the day, it is tough for us as we have to stay and resolve them before they become even more serious or affect the business. But anyway, we are not here to talk about IT but to talk about us. Are you hungry? I'm starving. I didn't get a lunch and had to work all the way through the day. Come with me. 

And he takes my hand, leading me to the Hotel's restaurant which is another very grandiose room. I definitely feel under-dressed but it doesn't seem to bother Jack. He's wearing a very nice dark blue suit with a pink shirt and a darker pink tie. He looks very elegant and feel even more self-conscious. What does he see in me that warrants his attention. I am sure he can get all the girls he wants. Why me?

The Maitre d' shows us to our table, pulls my chair to let me sit and asks us if we would like to drink anything. I ask for a glass of dry white wine and Jack asks for a glass of rose. He leaves us so that we can resume our conversation.

- Tell me Jack, why me? Something puzzles me here. I don't seem to belong to the same world as you do. What do you want from me?

- Oh Claudine, straight to the point I see. Well, I think there is more to you than you let on. I am interested in finding out what is behind all your layers. I know I am rich. I have money. Let's get it out of the way. Yes, I could get other girls but it is you that I am interested in. You seem like a puzzle. And I like puzzles. 

- So I am a riddle for you to resolve and then what? Once you have worked out who I am, what will you do? Drop me? Yes, I am straight to the point and for a reason as I don't want to be hurt by a Lothario which is what you appear to be. 

- Ouch, that hurts. Just get me straight here, I am not a Lothario and I am not here to use you and then drop you. I like you and would very much like to find out more about you. But you need to see beyond what my appearances tell you. 

The waiter comes with our drinks, a welcomed interruption as we were on our way to our first argument, even before we started.

- OK Jack, I am sorry. I am being defensive and it is not fair on you. Let's start again. My name is Claudine and I'm pleased to meet  you.

- OK Claudine, I'm Jack. And I am a Dom. 

On this, I almost choke on my wine. Did he say he's a Dom? How did he know?

- Jack, how did you know I am a sub?

- Well I didn't, you just told me. I took a chance as I did like you and was hoping that you would be in the lifestyle. 

- I am a sub but Domless at present. My previous D/s broke up fairly recently due to irreconcilable differences (he wanted marriage, I did not, he wanted kid, I did not). I am looking for a Dom but did not think that you would walk into my life the way you did, not that you are my Dom.

- Well, why don't we talk about what we want in a D/s relationship and see if we can match a few points?  What is the most important thing that you need in a D/s?

- For me, it has to be control. I need both physical and mental control. I love bondage too, mostly ropes.

- For me too control is essential. My sub needs to do what I tell her to, when I tell her to and how I tell her to. I am not totally looking for a 24/7 relationship but I do want total commitment from my sub. You see, we have more in common that you think. Let's have a dinner and leave the serious conversation for another time. What would you like to eat? I suggest something light as I have some plans for us tonight if you care to join me later on to my hotel room.

- Am I a foregone conclusion Jack? I barely know you and you expect me to go to your "hotel room" just like that? Where do you live Jack? Certainly not in the real world. I agree for the dinner but it stops there.

- That's fine Claudine.  We don't have to do anything. Let's have dinner and see where we get from there.

So we did have dinner and we did have a good time. It turns out Jack is quite a character and way different to what his appearances seem to let on. I quite like him to tell you to the truth.

And I am doing something I have always sworn that I would never do. I have agreed to follow him to his room.

And we are on our way.

Running joke: looking for a Dom is like looking for an employee

It is not a secret that I am looking for a Dom. I take this search very seriously and yes, I went through quite a few candidates who have either rejected me or me rejected them. Some became friends along the way.

Someone found it funny that I kind of treat this like a job interview.

In a way, I don't see why that would be wrong. At the end of the day, I want someone who will be right for me, and right for the right reasons.  How can I determine that if I don't ask them questions, find out how they tick, who they are in real life? I don't want a bastard in real life but someone who can be there for me even if we are not physically together, being a mum causing that complication and I want my help and compassion to be welcomed too. How would I find out if I don't dig deeper than just what is on the surface?

I want my D/s to succeed so I am not going to jump to the first candidate who seem to correspond to my profile.

D/s is serious business. I don't want a casual D/s relationship. I want a proper one, a long lasting one, a relationship that can survive the bumps of life. That's why the Dom's vanilla personality is so important to me as it will be what is going to make it or break it eventually.

So I prefer to choose wisely and to choose right. The interview process is the only way for me to go.

Sunday 24 May 2015

A one night stand with possibilities - Part 1

Tonight, I went to a party organised by one of my friends and I was not in the mood to socialise so I ended up looking at the ceiling and at the people quite a lot. The ceiling was white and the people very much photocopies of each other with their power suits on and their business composure hiding their real personality. I should have known better before accepting to come as I have been to these events before and I always always stood out as an outsider for it is what I am. I am not like the others. I don't wear power suits. I don't wear high heels. I am all flowery dresses and flat shoes. I am all personality and ray of sunshine and could not care less about business decorum. Actually, I wonder why I still get invited by my friend to these parties as she knows full well that I am not "in the crowd".

So I left and made my way to the nearest pub to have a drink with normal people who have normal conversations about anything and everything. 

I sit at an empty table and start having my drink when a gentleman approaches me and ask if the seat opposite me is taken. I say that it isn't though I am not keen on having another business suit in front of me. I have just escaped a room full of them. But nevertheless, he looks like a nice person. 

- Hi, my name is Jack, and you?

- I'm Claudine

- Claudine, that sounds French. Are you French?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. You don't sound local.

- That's right, I'm from York. But I live here, well nearby. Did you come alone?

- That's right. Why do you ask?

- I don't know, you seem upset about something. Do you want to tell me?

- Well, I don't talk to strangers, I am sorry.

- We don't have to be strangers. Let me start. I work in IT as a consultant, I am single and I am adventurous. There, no longer strangers. 

- Are you having a laugh? I still don't know you. Anyway, what do you want with me?

- I want your phone number and I want to see you again. There is something about you that I like and I'd like to know you more.

- Is it the line you use to hook up with people?

- Actually it is the very first time I am doing this but I feel there is something about you. An aura, a little something. Call it what you want but I want to know more about  you.

That's a first. Never had anyone chatted me up like this. I am inclined to see where this goes. I give him my mobile number that I reserve for the lifestyle friends (I have 2 mobiles, one for vanilla life and one for the lifestyle). 

- Thank you, I'll call you tomorrow. We should do dinner together.

- Really! umm OK, let's do dinner.

On this I leave him to his drink and I make my way home, wondering what the hell has happened tonight. It is the first time I get chatted up and I give my phone number to a complete stranger. It's too late to regret about it. I'll see what happens tomorrow. Time for bed for now.


Thursday 21 May 2015

A Domme/boy story

Son in bed and flat ready for his arrival, I only have to wait. I have a clandestine relationship with my submissive as I am in the middle of a divorce and do not want to burden my son even more. I always play in my bedroom that has a lockable door in case my son wakes up and is sound-proof as well. It contains everything that I need for plays, sofa, bathroom, equipment. This room is always locked to prevent any possible 6 years old intruder...

My submissive will be in any minutes now. Oh I should have said, I am a Domme.

The door bell rings. Opening the door, I see him all in suit. He looks really dashing and I am so glad it is me who has his submission.

- Come in Boy, make yourself comfortable. Do you want a cup of tea?

- Yes please Mistress, that would be very nice.

So I prepare the tea making sure that the cups are warm before I pour the water on the tea bags (proper tea bags, not the tasteless ones, you know the ones I mean) as was shown by a tea purist. I never fail to pull his leg on this, it is so funny. Oh, by the way, I am a Bratty Domme and encourage similar bratty behaviour in my submissives as life is too short to be taken seriously. The more we challenge each others, the more fun we get. All the submissives I have had to chance to dominate were quirky and we had fantastic time both in real life and online.

Enough of the "parenthese", my sub is waiting for his tea and I surely don't want to make him wait. For the moment, we're equal. When we start to play, it is a different story, I get to be The Boss.

- So tell me, how was your day?
- Oh Mistress, where do I start? You are going to laugh so much it is comical my level of bad luck:

I dress up for work this morning and then have my breakfast. I spill some brown sauce on both my shirt and my trousers. So, I have to change completely before setting off to work.

I go to my car and I get a parking ticket, despite having a valid parking permit.

I go to the office and my computer crashes.

Today is NOT my day.

- Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I hope tonight will be better. Since you had a bad day, is there anything you prefer doing tonight or you leave it to me to choose?

- I would very much like to be cuddled and have something soft and light. I can't face anything hardcore or humiliating tonight. I think I had enough negativity for a day. But I'd still would like some impact play, maybe your new engraved paddle so that I can your mark on me?

- We can certainly do that. Shall we get started?

It is when my subs are undressed to their undies and have their collar on that the power transfer happens and they are now mine to play with. I ask them always if they have a preference as it makes it all the more enjoyable for both of us if they enjoy what I do to them, though on some occasions I do things not for their enjoyment but to teach them a lesson.

So we start. I'll do something different today and a bit sadistic. I send him to have a shower. I have some towels laid across the sofa for any possible "accidents" and I'll ask him to lie down for for me.

- Good boy, now lie down on the sofa for me. We have our safewords, don't we?

- Yes, Mistress.

- Let's get started then.

I start with a mild spanking, enough for him to get slightly aroused but not too much. As I spank him, I pull his hair sharply, thus amplifying his feeling of submission as I own him and he's mine to do as I please. He emits a low but noticeable moan. I give him a massage and then slap his buttocks sharply, eliciting a big Ouch from him. He felt that one. I decide to make a pause on impact play and grab my ropes. As he had a hard day, I wrap my ropes around him like a cocoon, from head to toes and I lie down next to him to give him a cuddle. I know very well he will not remain like this very long as he always has that urge to escape. I haven't made a secure tie in order for him to remove his bonds when he's ready to move on to something a bit harsher as he did want me to mark him. That will require pain and I'll need to prepare him so that I can use my paddle hard.

As expected, 5 minutes cuddle is sufficient for him so I tidy all the ropes while he chooses the implements he would like me to use on him. I am very much a service Domme in the sense I prefer letting my submissive choose what they want done, at times. Some other times, when I feel they need to be more mentally controlled, I remove that choice and I am Domme, pure and simple. All the ropes are now recoiled and bagged, I can see what he has chosen: a very thin cane, my new paddle to mark him and the leather flogger. That tells me that his subconscious wants a lot of pain today but I am not sure it is right for him. I thus substitute the flogger for another one with much less sting, something that will be very soft on the skin.

So I start with the cane, making some small taps on his skin all the way up his legs, on his buttocks, on his shoulders and down again. I do this a couple of time and then I move to the flogger and repeat the same process, up and down his body.

I get him to turn around, I put a condom on his erected penis instructing him not to cum under any circumstances and I start riding him softly first and then hard, giving myself an orgasm but denying his. Once sated, I come off him and I caress him all over and cuddle him saying how good a boy he was. This is something very difficult to do and it strengthens his feeling of submission.

Nevertheless, we still have the matter of the mark that he wants. I am thinking on putting it on the outside of his right tight so that it doesn't disturb him too much later on. And I have a plan.

- My boy, as you have been a very good sub, you are allowed to cum once. Afterwards, I will put your penis in a cage and you will not be allowed to touch yourself until we meet again. Do you understand?

- Yes Mistress, I understand and this is so exciting! Can I cum now Mistress?

- Yes my boy. You can.

And as I watch him building up to his climax, I get ready with my paddle. I want to time it at the same time he has his orgasm.

There, right now and I strike him hard. I don't think he felt it as he's still in his afterglow. My boy is so beautiful. I love him very much.

I think what happens now is between me and my boy so I will leave you know. I hope you have enjoyed our scene. I wish you well.



Sent from my Windows Phone

Wednesday 20 May 2015

Free to play and live - erotica

March 21, 2015

Today I am free. I have received my divorce papers through the post and it is now officially over. 16 years of marriage are finally over. I am on good terms with the ex-husband but it has not always been the case. We seem to now have both found peace in our situation and we are making sure our son remains happy and is loved by both of us even though we stopped loving each other.
The reason my marriage broke up is because I have discovered my sexuality and my ex-husband could not cope with my needs that were much too strong and caused us to stop having sex altogether. We were never really comfortable with each other sexually. I always wanted more than what he was offering. I was always frustrated but I never knew why. This frustration got transposed to our every day life up to the point when it became evident to us that we would be better apart.  I love him dearly but I need more than what he can offer me. I thus took charge of my life and asked for the divorce.
We both have joint-custody of our son, Sean, who is 9 years old. He spends one week with his dad and one week with his mum. We both live close to one another so that it doesn’t affect Sean’s schooling. Sean is very much our priority for both of us, despite of everything that has happened.
This week, I am free, Sean is with his dad. And I am going out.



March 22, 2015

I have my ropes in my rucksack, vibrators, corset and I am all set for an evening of fun with my friend Roman. He is a playmate, meaning that we play together but we don’t have a relationship per se. He is very tall, medium build but very strong and has brilliant hands with long fingers. I love playing with Roman as he is very imaginative and very devilish. He enjoys laying traps for me to fall in so that he can provide additional funishment (punishment given for fun). An evening with him is an evening spent in laughter, in joy, in pain, in self-contemplation and mostly an evening being alive with sensations and emotions.

We’re meeting at his place as his walls and floors are thick enough not to disturb the neighbours who may be tempted to call the Police because of the type of noise we make, fearing someone could be in trouble.

Once there, I change into my lacy pants and my steampunk Corset. It is a beautiful corset with black panels on the front, olive on the back with brown ribbons and great locks on the front. He loves it when I wear this one because it feels like opening a present when lifting all the locks one by one in order to reveal my ample bosom (F cup if you must know).

- My darling you look really beautiful tonight. I look forward to use you and abuse you in all your splendour.

- Roman, I would expect no less from you. I hope you have the energy though to keep up with me.

- Oh my darling, you wait, you wait. I am so going to get you.

On this, he puts his fingers inside my corset, right in between my breasts and pulls me hard towards him. God I love it when he takes charge of me. He lifts the locks up, one by one and frees me from the corset, leaving me with my pants only which he actually slides down my legs and removes them altogether. I am completely naked at this stage.

After grabbing my bag, he opens it and takes one rope which he immediately uncoils. He holds the middle of it and asks me to put my arms in front of me with my wrists touching each other. He wraps the rope around my wrists twice and then makes a knot. He then pulls my hands over my head and wraps the rope around my breasts both on top and below and locks me that way. He pushes me towards his sofa and makes me bend over and kneel on the floor. He starts with spanking, hard, relentlessly, furiously even. It is so hard that I am about to call a Yellow and he stops. He caresses my buttocks and my back in rhythmic circles, all over and then starts again and then stops again. It goes on for a while until he picks one of my vibrators and inserts it into my vagina and fucks me with it. I have to ask permission to orgasm.

- Can I have an orgasm please Sir?

- Not yet, hold on for me.

And he carries on fucking me with the vibrator, stopping all stimulation when it gets too much, waits for a few seconds for me to cool and then starts again.
- Can I have an orgasm please Sir?

- Not yet, hold on for me.

And he still carries on and then stop altogether, removing the vibrator. I am very frustrated at this point but I have no choice but to obey. In any case, my hands are no longer available to me.

He gets a flogger and starts flogging me on my bum, same way, hard, relentlessly, furiously and does the same on my shoulders too. He switches between both at regular interval. My bum and my shoulders are on fire. I am on fire, a ball of sexual tension, in need of release.

He grabs the vibrator and fucks me again with it while stimulating my clitoris at the same time. It is really hard not to orgasm, to control it, to obey him. It takes all my will power but I don’t want to disappoint him, I don’t want to fail him.

- Can I have an orgasm please Sir? I can’t hold on anymore. It is too hard.

- Not yet, hold on for me still, just a little bit more.

- Sir, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t hold on.

- OK girl, cum for me.

And here I go, letting it all go, letting my orgasm build up in my body, in my soul, reaching higher and higher and higher, up when I can’t bear anymore and I can feel water exploding from my body as I explode in orgasm. I am all wet and all spent.

The sofa is a mess, the floor is a mess but I am content and my Dom is content.

He gets a condom which he puts on and straddles me and fucks me gently, slowly and delicately while I lay there, immobilised by his body weight and my hands tied behind my head.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this man. He is brilliant and I love him. We have a mess to clean up but we don’t care. Right now, we’re both happy. He unties me and we both lay like this, rejoicing in this spiritual connection, this sense of peace where nothing matters anymore but the sound of our breath, the beating of our hearts and the touch of our skin.

Unfortunately, reality is never far away and we get up, clean up the floor and the sofa, clean up all the instruments and the ropes and put them all where they belong.

We then make our way to the shower where we wash the trace of our play and lovemaking and replace it with the new us, refreshed us, replenished us. 

It is now time for me to go home and regain my independence as it is who I am. I am a submissive in play but I am me in real life. Tomorrow is another day at the office where they are going to gossip on my bruises but this is OK. This is who I am. I have told my colleagues I am not in an abusive relationship as they keep wondering why I have them. It is not their business, it is mine. I wish I could tell them that I am submissive, that I like it rough, that I like pain. Unfortunately, I fear their judgement, their lack of understanding. I fear being ostracised. I do have a colleague who knows what I am into. She has been my friend for many years and has seen the changes in me when I have discovered finally who I was. I wished people could see the beautiful things that I do. Unfortunately, I must remain in the closet.

Despite of this, I am so happy with my life right now, I have met some wonderful people along the way, experienced things I would never have experienced with my husband and have reached a level of peace in me that I cherish very much. My life is beautiful.



Saturday 16 May 2015

Readjusting to vanilla life

I have worked a week now. I realise that my kink hasn't been as essential as it has been at the beginning of my journey but it is still very much part of who I am. I didn't feel the urge to tie myself so much. But I did have the urge to write.

I have realised that I have been privileged the past few months to have lived what I have. That makes me really happy. Even the pain I have gone through at the end of my D/s is cherished. I have lived. And this is a fantastic feeling.

And now I need to make sure that I carry on living, making sure I still have a lot of fun doing the things I like with the people I love.

It is so good being me right now.

Thursday 14 May 2015

Maria and Jules go to the Dungeon

Maria's work day is over and Jules is now off for a couple of days. They both decide to have a meal out in order to save on the washing up and have fun for dessert at a local dungeon they visit fairly regularly.

They are not planning on doing impact play as Maria's bum needs recovering from the morning's exercise regime! What they are planning on doing is to use all methods of containment and restraining and indulge in a bit of a soft sensation play. They have mentioned to the dungeon to prepare their favourite implements which tends to be floggers, feathers, canes and lots of other things that you can find in an ordinary kitchen like a wooden spoon, a metal fork or in a stationery cupboard like elastic bands.

Jules is a fervent believer of recyclables / pervertable household items and the dungeon owner is one too, hence you get to try lots of different things there. That's why they love going to that dungeon and not another one.

So my dear Maria, have you been a good girl or have you been naughty?

Me, I'm never naughty, she says half laughing half seriously as she very much know what could happen later on.

Well, we'll have to find out about that, won't we? What do you fancy eating tonight? Shall we go to Wagamama? 

Yes, let's do that and it being so close to our fun place, it will be perfect.

After their dinner, they make their way to the dungeon. Just past the entrance is a small conveniently placed cell. Jules locks Maria in it while he sorts everything out with the owner who happens to be friend to both of them.

After a little while, Jules comes back to take Maria to their room for the evening. But before they can go, he has wrist and ankle shackles to restrain Maria and to prevent her from escaping. Once on, he attaches a small leash on the chain linking the wrist restrains and pull her towards him, thus taking her to where he wants to take her.

Once in the room, he takes the same chain and locks it to a loop by the wall with a padlock. He places the key on a small table nearby that contains lots of fun things and all the safety equipment in case of emergency.

He gets a pair of scissors and starts to cut her top to reveal her bras. 

He then goes on to kiss her back from her low back along her spine, on her neck and pulls her hair sharply to bring her head backwards to kiss her cheeks and the top of her head.
He cuts her skirt to reveal stockings which he duly pulls down so that she is only wearing her pants and bras.

He removes her from the shackles and makes her sit on a chair with leather straps for her wrists and her ankles. He proceeds to cut her remaining garments to render her completely naked. And oh my god is she wet. She is dripping wet in excitement, in anticipation as to what he has planned. He insets a bullet vibrator in her set at the highest setting and sets himself to go kissing her legs from the ankles to her tights then her pussy and back to the other leg in reverse.

He grabs a very thin cane and starts tapping along the path he just kissed making sure that he stays a long time on her pussy. She is so so excited at this point and is really begging for release. Obviously, Jules denies her, it is too soon, much too soon. He so plans to make her wait.

He then removes the vibrator, keeping it in his hand and places 2 fingers inside her vagina and starts to fuck her that way. He places the vibrator on top of her clit for good measures and she is really really begging to be allowed to come and obviously she is being denied, even as she is brought to the edge over and over and over again.

He removes all stimulations and goes to pick up some nipple clamps that he applies on her breasts, elicitating a pleasure moan in the process. He then goes on to cratch her skin along her arms, along her neck, along her breasts, down to her tummy, down to her legs but avoiding her pussy this time.
She is so hungry for an orgasm and he still denies her.

He gets a flogger and starts flogging her legs gently, not too harsh, just enough to bring the blood to the surface of her skin. And then he flogs her pussy sharply. He does the same on the other leg, softly, gently and then again a sharp one on her pussy. She is on the edge of an orgasm and is working very very very hard not to succumb, she must not succumb as the punishment will be severe. But it is taking every inch of her will power not to let it go.

He finger-fucks her again and he asks her to come for him. And come she does as she squirts water all over the chair and over him.

He unties her from the chair and brings her to the bed in the middle of the room which also contain wrists and ankles restraints. He duly puts them on and then goes to pick up a condom in order to make love to her, first gently but then very roughly, pounding her very hard, hitting her pelvis with all his might so that she can feel his manhood taking over her.

Once they are sated, he stops and unties her and then lies next to her, holding her, protecting her, cherishing her like his most precious possession. She has been very brave tonight. She has not disappointed him. She has been a very good girl.

And they lay like this all through the night.