Never ending heartbreak

I have been quite good the past few weeks, having moved on with my life, actively looking for my Dom, forging new friendships, moving forward, learning to be happy again.

And I have let my guard down and had a quick peak at the past.

And it all came flooding back in, all the anger, the sadness, the feeling of loss, the mental pain that comes with losing something that changed me profoundly and irrevocably.

I am sure it is just a set back and I will be again on my way to happiness again.

A one night stand with possibilities - Part 2

7pm, I am at the foyer of the Grand Hotel, dressed up in my favourite purple flowery dress and my purple sandals. The hotel where we are having dinner is very grandiose and flamboyant with a Rococo style decor. We are dining in a very lavish environment tonight. I think I look a bit out of place here and should probably have worn a long evening dress and a fascinator, not that I own any of those, nor do I have the money to have any of those.  Anyway, Jack is late. It is 10 past 7 and he's still not here.  I take a seat in a very plush armchair, feeling all of a sudden swallowed in. I close my eyes and just enjoy this moment of comfort and simple pleasure when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Jack has finally arrived, some 20 minutes late. He does look flustered so he must have rushed to be here. Maybe he has a good excuse, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

- Good evening Claudine, I am so sorry to have made you wait but I could not leave the office in time, we had a Major Incident to deal with requiring all the senior staff to stay behind. It is now all resolved and here I am.

- Well, I was starting to get a little annoyed but let's move on. What is a Major Incident?

- That's something that is serious enough to affect a certain number of staff. They need resolving as a priority and if they happen at the end of the day, it is tough for us as we have to stay and resolve them before they become even more serious or affect the business. But anyway, we are not here to talk about IT but to talk about us. Are you hungry? I'm starving. I didn't get a lunch and had to work all the way through the day. Come with me. 

And he takes my hand, leading me to the Hotel's restaurant which is another very grandiose room. I definitely feel under-dressed but it doesn't seem to bother Jack. He's wearing a very nice dark blue suit with a pink shirt and a darker pink tie. He looks very elegant and feel even more self-conscious. What does he see in me that warrants his attention. I am sure he can get all the girls he wants. Why me?

The Maitre d' shows us to our table, pulls my chair to let me sit and asks us if we would like to drink anything. I ask for a glass of dry white wine and Jack asks for a glass of rose. He leaves us so that we can resume our conversation.

- Tell me Jack, why me? Something puzzles me here. I don't seem to belong to the same world as you do. What do you want from me?

- Oh Claudine, straight to the point I see. Well, I think there is more to you than you let on. I am interested in finding out what is behind all your layers. I know I am rich. I have money. Let's get it out of the way. Yes, I could get other girls but it is you that I am interested in. You seem like a puzzle. And I like puzzles. 

- So I am a riddle for you to resolve and then what? Once you have worked out who I am, what will you do? Drop me? Yes, I am straight to the point and for a reason as I don't want to be hurt by a Lothario which is what you appear to be. 

- Ouch, that hurts. Just get me straight here, I am not a Lothario and I am not here to use you and then drop you. I like you and would very much like to find out more about you. But you need to see beyond what my appearances tell you. 

The waiter comes with our drinks, a welcomed interruption as we were on our way to our first argument, even before we started.

- OK Jack, I am sorry. I am being defensive and it is not fair on you. Let's start again. My name is Claudine and I'm pleased to meet  you.

- OK Claudine, I'm Jack. And I am a Dom. 

On this, I almost choke on my wine. Did he say he's a Dom? How did he know?

- Jack, how did you know I am a sub?

- Well I didn't, you just told me. I took a chance as I did like you and was hoping that you would be in the lifestyle. 

- I am a sub but Domless at present. My previous D/s broke up fairly recently due to irreconcilable differences (he wanted marriage, I did not, he wanted kid, I did not). I am looking for a Dom but did not think that you would walk into my life the way you did, not that you are my Dom.

- Well, why don't we talk about what we want in a D/s relationship and see if we can match a few points?  What is the most important thing that you need in a D/s?

- For me, it has to be control. I need both physical and mental control. I love bondage too, mostly ropes.

- For me too control is essential. My sub needs to do what I tell her to, when I tell her to and how I tell her to. I am not totally looking for a 24/7 relationship but I do want total commitment from my sub. You see, we have more in common that you think. Let's have a dinner and leave the serious conversation for another time. What would you like to eat? I suggest something light as I have some plans for us tonight if you care to join me later on to my hotel room.

- Am I a foregone conclusion Jack? I barely know you and you expect me to go to your "hotel room" just like that? Where do you live Jack? Certainly not in the real world. I agree for the dinner but it stops there.

- That's fine Claudine.  We don't have to do anything. Let's have dinner and see where we get from there.

So we did have dinner and we did have a good time. It turns out Jack is quite a character and way different to what his appearances seem to let on. I quite like him to tell you to the truth.

And I am doing something I have always sworn that I would never do. I have agreed to follow him to his room.

And we are on our way.

Running joke: looking for a Dom is like looking for an employee

It is not a secret that I am looking for a Dom. I take this search very seriously and yes, I went through quite a few candidates who have either rejected me or me rejected them. Some became friends along the way.

Someone found it funny that I kind of treat this like a job interview.

In a way, I don't see why that would be wrong. At the end of the day, I want someone who will be right for me, and right for the right reasons.  How can I determine that if I don't ask them questions, find out how they tick, who they are in real life? I don't want a bastard in real life but someone who can be there for me even if we are not physically together, being a mum causing that complication and I want my help and compassion to be welcomed too. How would I find out if I don't dig deeper than just what is on the surface?

I want my D/s to succeed so I am not going to jump to the first candidate who seem to correspond to my profile.

D/s is serious business. I don't want a casual D/s relationship. I want a proper one, a long lasting one, a relationship that can survive the bumps of life. That's why the Dom's vanilla personality is so important to me as it will be what is going to make it or break it eventually.

So I prefer to choose wisely and to choose right. The interview process is the only way for me to go.

A one night stand with possibilities - Part 1

Tonight, I went to a party organised by one of my friends and I was not in the mood to socialise so I ended up looking at the ceiling and at the people quite a lot. The ceiling was white and the people very much photocopies of each other with their power suits on and their business composure hiding their real personality. I should have known better before accepting to come as I have been to these events before and I always always stood out as an outsider for it is what I am. I am not like the others. I don't wear power suits. I don't wear high heels. I am all flowery dresses and flat shoes. I am all personality and ray of sunshine and could not care less about business decorum. Actually, I wonder why I still get invited by my friend to these parties as she knows full well that I am not "in the crowd".

So I left and made my way to the nearest pub to have a drink with normal people who have normal conversations about anything and everything. 

I sit at an empty table and start having my drink when a gentleman approaches me and ask if the seat opposite me is taken. I say that it isn't though I am not keen on having another business suit in front of me. I have just escaped a room full of them. But nevertheless, he looks like a nice person. 

- Hi, my name is Jack, and you?

- I'm Claudine

- Claudine, that sounds French. Are you French?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. You don't sound local.

- That's right, I'm from York. But I live here, well nearby. Did you come alone?

- That's right. Why do you ask?

- I don't know, you seem upset about something. Do you want to tell me?

- Well, I don't talk to strangers, I am sorry.

- We don't have to be strangers. Let me start. I work in IT as a consultant, I am single and I am adventurous. There, no longer strangers. 

- Are you having a laugh? I still don't know you. Anyway, what do you want with me?

- I want your phone number and I want to see you again. There is something about you that I like and I'd like to know you more.

- Is it the line you use to hook up with people?

- Actually it is the very first time I am doing this but I feel there is something about you. An aura, a little something. Call it what you want but I want to know more about  you.

That's a first. Never had anyone chatted me up like this. I am inclined to see where this goes. I give him my mobile number that I reserve for the lifestyle friends (I have 2 mobiles, one for vanilla life and one for the lifestyle). 

- Thank you, I'll call you tomorrow. We should do dinner together.

- Really! umm OK, let's do dinner.

On this I leave him to his drink and I make my way home, wondering what the hell has happened tonight. It is the first time I get chatted up and I give my phone number to a complete stranger. It's too late to regret about it. I'll see what happens tomorrow. Time for bed for now.

A Domme/boy story

Son in bed and flat ready for his arrival, I only have to wait. I have a clandestine relationship with my submissive as I am in the middle of a divorce and do not want to burden my son even more. I always play in my bedroom that has a lockable door in case my son wakes up and is sound-proof as well. It contains everything that I need for plays, sofa, bathroom, equipment. This room is always locked to prevent any possible 6 years old intruder...

My submissive will be in any minutes now. Oh I should have said, I am a Domme.

The door bell rings. Opening the door, I see him all in suit. He looks really dashing and I am so glad it is me who has his submission.

- Come in Boy, make yourself comfortable. Do you want a cup of tea?

- Yes please Mistress, that would be very nice.

So I prepare the tea making sure that the cups are warm before I pour the water on the tea bags (proper tea bags, not the tasteless ones, you know the ones I mean) as was shown by a tea purist. I never fail to pull his leg on this, it is so funny. Oh, by the way, I am a Bratty Domme and encourage similar bratty behaviour in my submissives as life is too short to be taken seriously. The more we challenge each others, the more fun we get. All the submissives I have had to chance to dominate were quirky and we had fantastic time both in real life and online.

Enough of the "parenthese", my sub is waiting for his tea and I surely don't want to make him wait. For the moment, we're equal. When we start to play, it is a different story, I get to be The Boss.

- So tell me, how was your day?
- Oh Mistress, where do I start? You are going to laugh so much it is comical my level of bad luck:

I dress up for work this morning and then have my breakfast. I spill some brown sauce on both my shirt and my trousers. So, I have to change completely before setting off to work.

I go to my car and I get a parking ticket, despite having a valid parking permit.

I go to the office and my computer crashes.

Today is NOT my day.

- Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I hope tonight will be better. Since you had a bad day, is there anything you prefer doing tonight or you leave it to me to choose?

- I would very much like to be cuddled and have something soft and light. I can't face anything hardcore or humiliating tonight. I think I had enough negativity for a day. But I'd still would like some impact play, maybe your new engraved paddle so that I can your mark on me?

- We can certainly do that. Shall we get started?

It is when my subs are undressed to their undies and have their collar on that the power transfer happens and they are now mine to play with. I ask them always if they have a preference as it makes it all the more enjoyable for both of us if they enjoy what I do to them, though on some occasions I do things not for their enjoyment but to teach them a lesson.

So we start. I'll do something different today and a bit sadistic. I send him to have a shower. I have some towels laid across the sofa for any possible "accidents" and I'll ask him to lie down for for me.

- Good boy, now lie down on the sofa for me. We have our safewords, don't we?

- Yes, Mistress.

- Let's get started then.

I start with a mild spanking, enough for him to get slightly aroused but not too much. As I spank him, I pull his hair sharply, thus amplifying his feeling of submission as I own him and he's mine to do as I please. He emits a low but noticeable moan. I give him a massage and then slap his buttocks sharply, eliciting a big Ouch from him. He felt that one. I decide to make a pause on impact play and grab my ropes. As he had a hard day, I wrap my ropes around him like a cocoon, from head to toes and I lie down next to him to give him a cuddle. I know very well he will not remain like this very long as he always has that urge to escape. I haven't made a secure tie in order for him to remove his bonds when he's ready to move on to something a bit harsher as he did want me to mark him. That will require pain and I'll need to prepare him so that I can use my paddle hard.

As expected, 5 minutes cuddle is sufficient for him so I tidy all the ropes while he chooses the implements he would like me to use on him. I am very much a service Domme in the sense I prefer letting my submissive choose what they want done, at times. Some other times, when I feel they need to be more mentally controlled, I remove that choice and I am Domme, pure and simple. All the ropes are now recoiled and bagged, I can see what he has chosen: a very thin cane, my new paddle to mark him and the leather flogger. That tells me that his subconscious wants a lot of pain today but I am not sure it is right for him. I thus substitute the flogger for another one with much less sting, something that will be very soft on the skin.

So I start with the cane, making some small taps on his skin all the way up his legs, on his buttocks, on his shoulders and down again. I do this a couple of time and then I move to the flogger and repeat the same process, up and down his body.

I get him to turn around, I put a condom on his erected penis instructing him not to cum under any circumstances and I start riding him softly first and then hard, giving myself an orgasm but denying his. Once sated, I come off him and I caress him all over and cuddle him saying how good a boy he was. This is something very difficult to do and it strengthens his feeling of submission.

Nevertheless, we still have the matter of the mark that he wants. I am thinking on putting it on the outside of his right tight so that it doesn't disturb him too much later on. And I have a plan.

- My boy, as you have been a very good sub, you are allowed to cum once. Afterwards, I will put your penis in a cage and you will not be allowed to touch yourself until we meet again. Do you understand?

- Yes Mistress, I understand and this is so exciting! Can I cum now Mistress?

- Yes my boy. You can.

And as I watch him building up to his climax, I get ready with my paddle. I want to time it at the same time he has his orgasm.

There, right now and I strike him hard. I don't think he felt it as he's still in his afterglow. My boy is so beautiful. I love him very much.

I think what happens now is between me and my boy so I will leave you know. I hope you have enjoyed our scene. I wish you well.



Sent from my Windows Phone

Free to play and live - erotica

March 21, 2015

Today I am free. I have received my divorce papers through the post and it is now officially over. 16 years of marriage are finally over. I am on good terms with the ex-husband but it has not always been the case. We seem to now have both found peace in our situation and we are making sure our son remains happy and is loved by both of us even though we stopped loving each other.

The reason my marriage broke up is because I have discovered my sexuality and my ex-husband could not cope with my needs that were much too strong and caused us to stop having sex altogether. We were never really comfortable with each other sexually. I always wanted more than what he was offering. I was always frustrated but I never knew why. This frustration got transposed to our every day life up to the point when it became evident to us that we would be better apart.  I love him dearly but I need more than what he can offer me. I thus took charge of my life and asked for the divorce.

We both have joint-custody of our son, Sean, who is 9 years old. He spends one week with his dad and one week with his mum. We both live close to one another so that it doesn’t affect Sean’s schooling. Sean is very much our priority for both of us, despite of everything that has happened.

This week, I am free, Sean is with his dad. And I am going out.

March 22, 2015

I have my ropes in my rucksack, vibrators, corset and I am all set for an evening of fun with my friend Roman. He is a playmate, meaning that we play together but we don’t have a relationship per se. He is very tall, medium build but very strong and has brilliant hands with long fingers. I love playing with Roman as he is very imaginative and very devilish. He enjoys laying traps for me to fall in so that he can provide additional funishment (punishment given for fun). An evening with him is an evening spent in laughter, in joy, in pain, in self-contemplation and mostly an evening being alive with sensations and emotions.

We’re meeting at his place as his walls and floors are thick enough not to disturb the neighbours who may be tempted to call the Police because of the type of noise we make, fearing someone could be in trouble.

Once there, I change into my lacy pants and my steampunk Corset. It is a beautiful corset with black panels on the front, olive on the back with brown ribbons and great locks on the front. He loves it when I wear this one because it feels like opening a present when lifting all the locks one by one in order to reveal my ample bosom (F cup if you must know).

- My darling you look really beautiful tonight. I look forward to use you and abuse you in all your splendour.

- Roman, I would expect no less from you. I hope you have the energy though to keep up with me.

- Oh my darling, you wait, you wait. I am so going to get you.

On this, he puts his fingers inside my corset, right in between my breasts and pulls me hard towards him. God I love it when he takes charge of me. He lifts the locks up, one by one and frees me from the corset, leaving me with my pants only which he actually slides down my legs and removes them altogether. I am completely naked at this stage.

After grabbing my bag, he opens it and takes one rope which he immediately uncoils. He holds the middle of it and asks me to put my arms in front of me with my wrists touching each other. He wraps the rope around my wrists twice and then makes a knot. He then pulls my hands over my head and wraps the rope around my breasts both on top and below and locks me that way. He pushes me towards his sofa and makes me bend over and kneel on the floor. He starts with spanking, hard, relentlessly, furiously even. It is so hard that I am about to call a Yellow and he stops. He caresses my buttocks and my back in rhythmic circles, all over and then starts again and then stops again. It goes on for a while until he picks one of my vibrators and inserts it into my vagina and fucks me with it. I have to ask permission to orgasm.

- Can I have an orgasm please Sir?

- Not yet, hold on for me.

And he carries on fucking me with the vibrator, stopping all stimulation when it gets too much, waits for a few seconds for me to cool and then starts again.

- Can I have an orgasm please Sir?

- Not yet, hold on for me.

And he still carries on and then stop altogether, removing the vibrator. I am very frustrated at this point but I have no choice but to obey. In any case, my hands are no longer available to me.

He gets a flogger and starts flogging me on my bum, same way, hard, relentlessly, furiously and does the same on my shoulders too. He switches between both at regular interval. My bum and my shoulders are on fire. I am on fire, a ball of sexual tension, in need of release.

He grabs the vibrator and fucks me again with it while stimulating my clitoris at the same time. It is really hard not to orgasm, to control it, to obey him. It takes all my will power but I don’t want to disappoint him, I don’t want to fail him.

- Can I have an orgasm please Sir? I can’t hold on anymore. It is too hard.

- Not yet, hold on for me still, just a little bit more.

- Sir, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t hold on.

- OK girl, cum for me.

And here I go, letting it all go, letting my orgasm build up in my body, in my soul, reaching higher and higher and higher, up when I can’t bear anymore and I can feel water exploding from my body as I explode in orgasm. I am all wet and all spent.

The sofa is a mess, the floor is a mess but I am content and my Dom is content.

He gets a condom which he puts on and straddles me and fucks me gently, slowly and delicately while I lay there, immobilised by his body weight and my hands tied behind my head.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this man. He is brilliant and I love him. We have a mess to clean up but we don’t care. Right now, we’re both happy. He unties me and we both lay like this, rejoicing in this spiritual connection, this sense of peace where nothing matters anymore but the sound of our breath, the beating of our hearts and the touch of our skin.

Unfortunately, reality is never far away and we get up, clean up the floor and the sofa, clean up all the instruments and the ropes and put them all where they belong.

We then make our way to the shower where we wash the trace of our play and lovemaking and replace it with the new us, refreshed us, replenished us. 

It is now time for me to go home and regain my independence as it is who I am. I am a submissive in play but I am me in real life. Tomorrow is another day at the office where they are going to gossip on my bruises but this is OK. This is who I am. I have told my colleagues I am not in an abusive relationship as they keep wondering why I have them. It is not their business, it is mine. I wish I could tell them that I am submissive, that I like it rough, that I like pain. Unfortunately, I fear their judgement, their lack of understanding. I fear being ostracised. I do have a colleague who knows what I am into. She has been my friend for many years and has seen the changes in me when I have discovered finally who I was. I wished people could see the beautiful things that I do. Unfortunately, I must remain in the closet.

Despite of this, I am so happy with my life right now, I have met some wonderful people along the way, experienced things I would never have experienced with my husband and have reached a level of peace in me that I cherish very much. My life is beautiful.

Readjusting to vanilla life

I have worked a week now. I realise that my kink hasn't been as essential as it has been at the beginning of my journey but it is still very much part of who I am. I didn't feel the urge to tie myself so much. But I did have the urge to write.

I have realised that I have been privileged the past few months to have lived what I have. That makes me really happy. Even the pain I have gone through at the end of my D/s is cherished. I have lived. And this is a fantastic feeling.

And now I need to make sure that I carry on living, making sure I still have a lot of fun doing the things I like with the people I love.

It is so good being me right now.

Maria and Jules go to the Dungeon

Maria's work day is over and Jules is now off for a couple of days. They both decide to have a meal out in order to save on the washing up and have fun for dessert at a local dungeon they visit fairly regularly.

They are not planning on doing impact play as Maria's bum needs recovering from the morning's exercise regime! What they are planning on doing is to use all methods of containment and restraining and indulge in a bit of a soft sensation play. They have mentioned to the dungeon to prepare their favourite implements which tends to be floggers, feathers, canes and lots of other things that you can find in an ordinary kitchen like a wooden spoon, a metal fork or in a stationery cupboard like elastic bands.

Jules is a fervent believer of recyclables / pervertable household items and the dungeon owner is one too, hence you get to try lots of different things there. That's why they love going to that dungeon and not another one.

So my dear Maria, have you been a good girl or have you been naughty?

Me, I'm never naughty, she says half laughing half seriously as she very much know what could happen later on.

Well, we'll have to find out about that, won't we? What do you fancy eating tonight? Shall we go to Wagamama? 

Yes, let's do that and it being so close to our fun place, it will be perfect.

After their dinner, they make their way to the dungeon. Just past the entrance is a small conveniently placed cell. Jules locks Maria in it while he sorts everything out with the owner who happens to be friend to both of them.

After a little while, Jules comes back to take Maria to their room for the evening. But before they can go, he has wrist and ankle shackles to restrain Maria and to prevent her from escaping. Once on, he attaches a small leash on the chain linking the wrist restrains and pull her towards him, thus taking her to where he wants to take her.

Once in the room, he takes the same chain and locks it to a loop by the wall with a padlock. He places the key on a small table nearby that contains lots of fun things and all the safety equipment in case of emergency.

He gets a pair of scissors and starts to cut her top to reveal her bras. 

He then goes on to kiss her back from her low back along her spine, on her neck and pulls her hair sharply to bring her head backwards to kiss her cheeks and the top of her head.

He cuts her skirt to reveal stockings which he duly pulls down so that she is only wearing her pants and bras.

He removes her from the shackles and makes her sit on a chair with leather straps for her wrists and her ankles. He proceeds to cut her remaining garments to render her completely naked. And oh my god is she wet. She is dripping wet in excitement, in anticipation as to what he has planned. He insets a bullet vibrator in her set at the highest setting and sets himself to go kissing her legs from the ankles to her tights then her pussy and back to the other leg in reverse.

He grabs a very thin cane and starts tapping along the path he just kissed making sure that he stays a long time on her pussy. She is so so excited at this point and is really begging for release. Obviously, Jules denies her, it is too soon, much too soon. He so plans to make her wait.

He then removes the vibrator, keeping it in his hand and places 2 fingers inside her vagina and starts to fuck her that way. He places the vibrator on top of her clit for good measures and she is really really begging to be allowed to come and obviously she is being denied, even as she is brought to the edge over and over and over again.

He removes all stimulations and goes to pick up some nipple clamps that he applies on her breasts, elicitating a pleasure moan in the process. He then goes on to cratch her skin along her arms, along her neck, along her breasts, down to her tummy, down to her legs but avoiding her pussy this time.

She is so hungry for an orgasm and he still denies her.

He gets a flogger and starts flogging her legs gently, not too harsh, just enough to bring the blood to the surface of her skin. And then he flogs her pussy sharply. He does the same on the other leg, softly, gently and then again a sharp one on her pussy. She is on the edge of an orgasm and is working very very very hard not to succumb, she must not succumb as the punishment will be severe. But it is taking every inch of her will power not to let it go.

He finger-fucks her again and he asks her to come for him. And come she does as she squirts water all over the chair and over him.

He unties her from the chair and brings her to the bed in the middle of the room which also contain wrists and ankles restraints. He duly puts them on and then goes to pick up a condom in order to make love to her, first gently but then very roughly, pounding her very hard, hitting her pelvis with all his might so that she can feel his manhood taking over her.

Once they are sated, he stops and unties her and then lies next to her, holding her, protecting her, cherishing her like his most precious possession. She has been very brave tonight. She has not disappointed him. She has been a very good girl.

And they lay like this all through the night.

Maria and the fireman, the full story

It's 5am and I can't sleep. Jules is due to come back home from his shift any minutes now. Jules is a fireman and he's really brilliant at what he does. He always tell me stories that leave me in awe. He is a great person.

Jules also has a dark side, meaning that he is very evil when he chooses to be. He told me to be awake by the time he comes home as he wants to play before I go to the office. He's evil but he's so much fun too. 

We're 2 sides of a coin. He's a sadist, I am masochist. We're perfect for each other. He needs this outlet of hurting someone and I need to be hurt. We do this, both in agreement with each other, both consensually. 

Maria, I'm home. Get your ass here! I am completely shattered tonight and I think we're going to still have a lot of fun because I miss putting my hand on your ass. 

Oh dear, looks like we're starting.

I give him a nice cuddle to welcome him home and take his jacket. I give him my hand and he takes it, pulling it, taking me to the living room to the sofa where he's suddenly forcefully takes me over his knees and slaps my ass, hard. Ouch ouch. It hurts but also it feels so good. I want him to stop and yet I want him to carry on. He keeps on slapping my ass, on and on without stopping. I can feel his cock getting harder under me, he definitely likes that. 

He removes my leggings and my pants and carries on spanking me with his hands. I am pretty sure his hands are hurting as much as my bum is. 

But now I have an idea and it is definitely not to be an obedient sub. Therefore, I take his hand off my ass and get up as fast as I can. Jules, knowing me very well, catches my wrist before I go anywhere with my leggings and my pants on my ankles and throws me on the sofa and pushes me deep in it. He climbs over me and holds me down putting all his weight on my wrists. They are hurting but I don't care. This is so much fun and I love it too much. I try to fight back and to get out and he puts even more pressure on keeping me down, as if he could do more. I try to lift my pelvis to shift him but he's way too heavy for me. I try to turn around but I am prevented as he's holding my arms down just above the elbows. I am so going to have bruises there.

Let me go, I tell him.

No way, I got you exactly where I want you to be.

Let me go.

No

Let me go.

No

Let me go...

No

Just as he relented the pressure and started to come out of the sofa, I lift my knee and push him away completely, destabilising him and making him fall. That's the first time ever I managed to shift him from me. Youway! Oh oh, he doesn't look happy. Oh oh... I see him grabbing the duct tape from the table (I had put all our toys and equipment on the table for easy accessibility). He has the eyes of the predator. He is out to get me. I so have to run away.

I start to dash across the room to lock myself in the bedroom in order to stop him getting me but as he's a fireman, he's very fit and is very fast. I have no chance in hell, as he grabs my arm, twist it behind my back and starts tapping it. He grabs the other arm and locks both of them in tape. He then makes me go back to the living room, forcefully as I am resisting as much as I can (even if it is hopeless but I am not going to make it easy for him, where would the fun be).

By the time we reach the sofa, he makes me bend over the side with me knees on the floor and my head on the cushions. He tapes my ankles too so that I can't move anymore. I am so going to pay for it, am I?

I see him getting the cane, I am in big trouble. 1 strike is a minor offence. 5 strikes is a medium offence. 10 strikes is a major fuckup. He never tells me how many cane strikes I am getting. I have to count them though and say thank you Sir, I am sorry for whatever I have done.

1, Thank you Sir, I am sorry for running away.
2, Thank you Sir, I am sorry for running away.
3, Thank you Sir, I am sorry for running away.
4, Thannnnnnk you Sirrrr, I am sorrrrrry for running away.
555555555, Thannnnnnnnnk yooooouuu Sirrrr, I ammmm sorrrry forrr rrrrunning awwway.

He takes pity on me and stops there. I hate the cane. I don't like thuddy implements. I am more of a stingy type.

He remembers that I need to get ready for work so we're down to the last part of our play....

He removes the tape on my ankles but leaves the one on my wrists. He checks my cunt for wetness and I feel very very wet at that point. He puts a condom on and penetrates me doggy style. My bum hurts as he pounds me but it is so good, a heady mix of pain and pleasure.

Anyway, it is now time for me to get ready for work so it is a quick shower, moisturiser on my ass, a cuddle and kiss to my best fireman and I'm off to work while he recovers in his bed.

I could do with this everyday if my ass could take it. 

The Art of Negotiating in Troubled Waters

I am now mostly on Collarspace and OK Cupid in order to find my Dom.

I have come to realise that my writing seem to have some enchanting qualities, like in a spell. They fall in love with my words.

But come to reality, the magic is not there and it all crumbles down and I gain more friends but I am still Domless.

Some are so enchanted that they consider that they have to have me, no matter what. This scares me. I had someone writing me yesterday "You will be mine!" when I told him that I do not think he's right for me. I still give him the chance of a meet if I am still Domless when he comes to London but I am now worried.

I want to have a Dom but it has to be right for me and it has to be right for the other person.

No one can impose something on someone else. It doesn't work. And if I haven't signed on the dots, you don't have my submission and I am not going to do as I am told.

Now I need to get ready for work.

Don't be enchanted by my words, please. Keep it in reality.

Photos

Some flowers seen while doing the school run

And these flowers at Kings Cross St Pancras 

A beautiful statue in London

A beautiful cat I see almost everyday

Another cat I see also almost everyday

All photographs taken by yours truly.

Madame Eugenie and Laura, a step further

Today, Laura comes to see Madame Eugenie, her Mistress and friend. She used to see her under her official capacity as Pro-Domme but they have developed a friendship which in turn developed into something deeper. They never had sex together, only practised mental BDSM and have been very good friends.

Today is slightly different though as Laura has expressed the wish to go further into their relationship, much to the pleasure of Madame Eugenie who was waiting for just that. Laura has no idea of how sex could happen between 2 women as women don't have the "male appendage". Nevertheless, she is now eager to see how to have a more complete relationship with her mentor and Mistress.

As she enters the flat, Laura immediately undresses to her underwear (her requirement so that she feels more submissive but yet has enough covered not to feel exposed) and Madame Eugenie applies the collar that fits snuggly on her neck. It is a nice purple collar that matches the underwear set that Laura is wearing.

Madame Eugenie takes Laura hands and directs her to the kitchen where she has a lunch ready for the both of us. It is something very simple, quiche salad, but just the ticket as a preambule to what she has planned. They have a nice lunch during which they discuss their mundane vanilla life and their mutual frustration. Lunch finished, Laura does the washing up. It is the deal between them, Madame Eugenie prepares lunch and she clears/clean up.

Madame Eugenie prepares a bath in the bathroom in the meantime with a nice Lavender oil in the water, giving the correct scent to the whole bathroom. She prepared some table lights all around the bath in order to make it more romantic and girly. As Laura enters, she is overwhelmed by both the lavender perfume and the candles sight before her eyes set on Eugenie, lying naked in the water and welcoming her to join her which she does, as soon as she removed her underwear.

They both have a bath which they take turn to clean themselves and massage their body, first their back, their front, their breasts, their arms, their legs but not their nether regions. This is for later.

Once finished, they both exit the bath, dry themselves up but do not get dressed up. Laura still has her collar on but is totally naked. Eugenie is naked too and she takes Laura's hand and directs her to the bedroom where no customers are allowed to access. It is the first time Laura gets to see it too.

The bedroom is very striking in its appearances and is very luxurious looking. The walls are rich red colours with a black line cutting it in the middle. There are no wardrobes on sight but a night table and a dressing. There are a collection of toys on display on the dressing, ropes, chains, tiny padlocks, handcuffs, floggers, crops, plugs, vibrators and a strange looking item looking like a dildo but for 2 people (ie to both receive and give).

Eugenie grabs the chains and starts wrapping them around Laura's breasts, waist and hips. She applies the handcuffs with the arms behind her back. She gets her to bend over the bed and starts spanking her very gently but in increasing speed/ intensity. She then stopped and went to get a vibrator that she inserted into Laura's cunt. She then grabbed a flogger and started to flog her buttocks and her shoulders, also increasing the intensity regularly up to the point when Laura couldn't take it anymore, either from the vibrator's stimulation or from the flogging.

Eugenie grabbed the feeldo next which she inserted in her vagina and then inserted the cock looking part inside Laura's vagina and went on to work to give both of them an orgasm while touching Laura's body and her breasts. Once both had peaked, Eugenie removed the contraption that she then put in a washbasin for later.

She removed the handcuffs and the chains and got Laura to lie on the bed & rejoined her in the bed after having cleaned and tidied the various toys, cuddling her and letting her to fall asleep. She soon joined her, finally having got her wish to start a relationship with Laura.

Waiting game

Today is a waiting game
My life won't be the same
After the game is played.

Nevertheless

The direction will be the same
I will blossom everywhere
Like a rose on a spring day

Today is a new day
Hopefully it will be a good day

Where I am in life

The new me is still trying to come out, succeeding slowly and slowly.

I have met a lot of people along the way, some in real life, a lot in virtual life.
Life has not been kind to me lately but then again I would not be the person I am if it had.

If I were to do my yearly appraisal, I would say that my main achievement this year was to embrace who I am and not be scared of my darkness. Accepting me, how it enabled me to experience things I would never have imagined possible. I am so happy to be able to completely let go and enjoy connectivity, even with brand new partners met minutes before. This is pure magic and it is so beautiful to be part of that.

One of my other achievements is that I have completely broken with the husband in terms of being under him emotionally and financially. He can hurt me still but I am much stronger now than I have ever been.

Another achievement is that I no longer think that because I am a large woman, I am unworthy of having fun and having love. This is so far from the reality. I have played with some really fun people and they didn't bat an eye regarding my size. As someone said to me before, we are a whole bunch of kinky people, size don't matter.

Last, I have started writing creatively, something that was in the back of my mind for a long long time but was too self-conscious to get off the ground. My blog has been read by more people than I would have expected (1400+ posts read in 4 weeks). I have also received some very good comments. So I am very pleased by that.

Areas to work on / things that need happening

I need to find work so that I can have a real life and not live in the kink world all the time. Also it will enable me to do more things with my son as he now realises that mummy has no money to spend for everything that he wants, choices need to be made (actually a good life lesson for him).

I need to work out a way for my depressive dips not to swallow me and that I can go back up reasonably fast.

I need to ensure I keep contact with all my friends, at least via email, to ensure they are alright. At least, if I don't write, I still think about them.

I need to have complete closure with regards to my divorce and D/s break up

I have to keep on working at becoming the real me, self-confident, brilliant, bubbly, crazy, well be the whole me and no longer a shadow of me.

I have to lose weight but only on health ground, not for vanity and only if it is the right thing to do (ie not when I have too much on my plate).

This year, I will award myself a WELL DONE. I deserve it because I have achieved a lot in a very little amount of time. I am a new person, a better person. And I can be better still.

End of the Yearly Appraisal.