FetLife, you nearly sucked me in again

Yesterday I was on Fetlife a bit more, interacted with someone, checking what my friends were up to, seeing what events were there and slowly slowly I could see myself sinking into it again, checking bondage pictures, cat pictures.

As soon as I have realised what was happening, I have logged off.

FetLife is a big Monster that needs to be kept under control.

I have to hold it on a tight leash now.

Ummm, leash ... here's a thought.

Expect the unexpected...

Well, once again, the saying has proven accurate.

As I was gradually moving away from FetLife and some of the kink world, having taken back my gift of submission for lack of worthy recipient, there comes the almighty benevolent Master, ready to take me under his wings and his guidance.

And here I am, I have decided to join his dominion and am happily no longer free.

I think that my chains are very much escape proof. I am not going anywhere.

PRL, the day after

What a change from last month.

The organisers have arranged a discussion on various matters and it was great, including on how to approach people. This is common sense to ask but unfortunately, humans are shy creatures afraid of rejection and therefore we don't.

I had a really good time even if rope was only a small part of it. I saw friends, inc my ex, with who I had a very nice interaction and it was great. It also dreadfully help if you have someone already before attending.

Basically, I had a good day. I would have hated dropping PRL from the events I attend. I am dropping the Camden Crunch during the summer months as it is starting too late. It may reverse back in Autumn.

Today, I am tired but happy. 😊

PRL, here I come.

Another half an hour and I am making my way to Peer Rope London.

Last time was a total disaster. This time, I hope my experience will be a more positive one.

I find that breaking into that scene is incredibly difficult. The worst is I am sure that there are riggers out there in need of a bunny and they are just faced with the same issues I am usually faced with.

Today, I come in better circumstances as I'll meet a rigger friend. I hope that my day will end on a positive note and not frustrated.

#Scales & #Weight

Oh God. I knew that I put on weight by sitting  in an office all day. Well, in 2 months, I have put one half of what it took me a year to lose.

This is my wake up call.

I am over 109 kgs.

I am hereby setting the following challenge:

By January 2016, I must be below 103 kgs.

I am not asking for the world, I am just asking for 1 kg of weight loss per month, ie 250 grs per week. This should be feasible.

I will keep you updated on my progress.

If I fall on the side and don't succeed for a month, I won't be disappointed as it is not a race but it has to go down and certainly not up.

My first resolution yesterday was to give up lattes and cappucinos. Also, I am giving up viennoiseries.

I need to realise that EATING because you're BORED is not the solution.

Now that I have it out of my system, I'm good.

Z for Zoos - #SpankingA2Z

And now for the last letter of this challenge Z.

Why Zoos? Well, why not? In zoos, we see animals in action and they don't feel in anyway shy or whatever. They go on doing whatever they want to do, how they want to do it. If they want to fuck in plain sight, well, I'm pretty sure that would happen.

Where do I go here.

What I am saying is society has given us rules to follow, behaviours to respect and follow. All this is learned behaviour. When you are primal, you completely let go of this learned behaviour and just be instinct.

This does not mean that you let go of the principles of right and wrong. These will stay with you. But you let go of what is expected of you in play.

When I play, I am no longer a mum. I am just me. Mum will reappear a little while afterwards when the play is over. Because I let go of any baggage I may have, I get to experience magic, I get to be really alive, I access my deepest desires, emotions and I get balance.

Play is the time when my excess can express itself, usually through violence, through resistance. It is a way to reach catharsis.

I have never been mentally balanced as I am now since I indulge into BDSM. And I have never tapped into my inner happiness until when I have realised that everything that I need, all the tools that I need are within me.

My level of self-understanding has gone up exponentially and I am now a positivity powerhouse.

I am happy.

This concludes my A to Z challenge. I am sorry I didn't write everyday but Real Life got in the way. I hope you enjoyed reading my posts as I have in writing them. Take care.

Y is for Yes... Preferably yes, Sir with a bratty tone - #SpankingA2Z

It is so good to be able to say Yes.

Yes is a positive word, opening door to all sort of things and experience.

No can be positive too when you are after a punishment from your Dom and you are pushing his buttons.

I am pretty good at pushing people's buttons and I know my backside will hurt when I do that with someone in particular (not saying anything!).

Anyway, Yes is a fantastic word and it belongs to my vocabulary very much.

X for Exes - #SpankingA2Z

I think the secret to happiness is not to have the following:

Expectations
Regrets
Remorse
A need to hang onto the past
A need to prepare for the future

Yes, we can prepare for the future but only within reason, it should not become pathological which has become the case with my husband and caused the failure of my marriage. He wanted to build for our old ages and our son but forgot that he had a family and that we needed him more than we needed his money.

I have decided not to hang on to this feeling of wasted years waiting for someone who would, in the end, never be in the here and now.

Now, Exes. There are more exes than my husband. They can be Doms, friends, colleagues, bosses. They can be whoever.
Whatever has happened, positive or negative, there is no point hanging on to it as it belongs to the past. You need to move on.

I reflect on those with emotions but I won't let them stop me from moving on.

My journey is a straight line. Some have been travelling on the same route and we have shared those moments for years. Some are only on this route for a short period.

My point is to enjoy the time you have with them for as long as it lasts. Focus on the present. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow. I could be dead tomorrow for all I know. And it would be OK. Why? Because I am at peace with myself and I am happy, with the world and with me.

W for Words - #SpankingA2Z

Words have very big power on me. If my Dom tells me to OBEY, I go deep in my submissive state and this is is what I do.

Words can induce fear, as in I have to receive my punishment and it is not something I relish (that actually never happened to me yet but could very well be).

Words can induce pride, when my Dom tells me I have been a good girl.

Words can destroy when I am named-called and it is a hell of a climb to do to restore my self-confidence.

Words give me pleasure when I write on my blog.

Words can make you ill when you can't get them out of your head or heal you when you talk them through.

I love words, both spoken and written.

V for voice - #SpankingA2Z

I have a voice. I use it to say that I am happy, that I am hurt, that I am hungry or anything.

In submission, my voice is transformed. It is no longer vocal. It is expressed through my actions, my dedication, my submission to my Dom. Words are still important but here is the case where actions speaks louder than words or where you walk the walk rather than  talk the talk.

A voice can be used to say nothing or voice can be used to say something meaningful, to take a risk, to take a chance on someone.

A voice can be made of the sound of one person or of many. It can have volume or not be heard at all.

Voice can be plenty or nothing.

I have a voice and I use it in anyway I can, through sounds, through my words, through my pictures. The voice you hear and see is all of me.

U for Universe - #SpankingA2Z

The universe is a pretty big place and we are only a tiny speck in the fabric of space and time.

This is far too profound for a Saturday morning but nevertheless it is very important.

Why is that?

Because our own Universe, however big it may seem, if we are not happy in it, it doesn't matter how big or how small it is, it is not a good place to be.

My own Universe is inside my brain and my heart. My own Universe is tiny. But it is a  positive and happy place to be.

It doesn't matter that I am a tiny speck in the fabric of space and time, what matters is that this speck is scintillating out of happiness.

T for Timing - #SpankingA2Z

Playing is like being a battery. You play and you get recharged ready for anything.

Yesterday I played. My last real play dated way way way back.

But this play was not really planned, only a little bit, or even a real scene but it felt good, as in having a good piece of fun and I really gelled with the person I played with. We shared a good moment there.

It was also perfect timing as Peer Rope is coming up and I won't be frustrated as I usually am and thus will go there in a much more positive frame of mind. Actually, I am going there paired with a friend rigger already so it will definitely be a lot easier this time around.

Good things happen to those who wait. I have waited. I have, honest.

My book - my new frontier

That's it, I have taken the first step towards writing my book. It is not going to be a big 500 page volume but a smaller affair.

I usually write on the fly, wherever my inspiration takes me but this time my story will be thought of, planned, will have a proper little synopsis and hopefully will come out as a finished article.

As for the story itself, I am thinking of reusing some of the characters already shown on my blog and possibly get them to meet each others.

If there are stories you prefer or particularly liked, you are welcomed to contact me via the comment box. If you don't want it to be published, just let me know too.

This is the start of my new adventure.

S for Surprises - SpankingA2Z

It is funny how life gives you surprises. I used to swear I was a rope bottom through and through, that I wouldn't tie.

Yesterday, I had the confirmation I want to tie. I am not comfortable to tie anyone else apart from the person I have now tied twice, maybe because we both started together in this, she as a bottom, me as a top and therefore not judgemental of how things should be or not be. We're there to have fun and we most certainly do.

PRL is coming and I should be a bottom then but I am looking forward to see if I can get some topping skills there too. I will need to find someone to tie now! But the person will need to be female. I don't feel comfortable tying a male. I don't know why, well, I kind of do. This is to compartmentalise. I am a sub and not a switch D/s wise. Maybe I am scared of discovering that I could be a switch in D/s or maybe more comfortable as a Domme. Yes, you did read correctly. This doesn't seem so foreign in me as it used to in the past. And I can certainly tell you that if I indulge in my Domme streak, I will be the sadistic kind.

Something else I have also discovered is I think I could Domme girls. But I don't know if it goes all the way to the sexual side. My gut feeling says no.

Which means I have been handed a few surprises, broadening my horizon and becoming myself ever more.

Holly & James at playing at the LAM tonight and it is rope play!

God, I'm late. Sorry, got to go. Have a nice evening!

That's me, rushing out of the office and on my way to my play party at the LAM. Yes, I work on Sundays in the office. We kind of work 24/7 in shifts, funny place to work for and great ambience.

Never mind, we're not here to talk about my work life but more about what I am so going to do tonight.

James will be there. He's my rigger friend who is so good at being evil and giving me all types of challenging ropes. I love rope pain and I so love being put into those very restricting positions that would seem so uncomfortable. For me, it is my comfort zone, where I get to bliss out and be so happy! So James, if you didn't get it, is a sadist, but of the more imaginative kind.

I am so looking forward to my play.

I am going there in my office clothes.

Oh, what do I see? Someone is getting arrested just outside the tube station. I can see the person is struggling very much and the policemen are fighting hard to handcuff that man. Now, I should be shocked by this scene but actually I am getting so excited. Did I tell you I was primal? Well, now you know though you must be wondering what all this primal thing means.

Basically I am very much into struggling and into fighting. The scene I have just seen very much corresponds what I am into. I am a bit bonkers, aren't I?

Anyway, I am now at the venue, paid my fee though I was asked the double first, wondering why. The person had thought I was with the person behind me! Oh well, that happens.

I'm making my way to the second basement where the party is in full swing and all sorts of things are happening, people getting flogged, someone having a needle play, someone with a dog face mask walking on all four, held by a leash by a very tall dark lady in leather. God I love this world. This is where I am the most comfortable, among my kinky friends.

I see James having a drink with a lady in red (yep, that song, can't escape it).

- James, hi, it's so good to see you. Hi, my name is Holly.
- I'm Sandra, it's my first time here.
- Oh you're going to love it here Sandra. You can watch us play, me and James if you want. James, I can't stay too long as my next shift starts only in 3 hours, I have pulled the graveyard shift as my colleague is sick. I can only stay 1 hour. Can we do a quick one?
- Holly, anything for you. Let me get my ropes and we'll get started. Can you join me by the ball pool, I think we'll have more space to play there.

And off we go, get ready for our play.

I love it when he lays his rope on his cloth on the floor and we start both of us kneeling down, him holding me, touching me, getting me into the zone, the rope space that I love so much.

And he grabs a rope, uncoils it and let it falls on the floor, making a sound that sends a wave of pleasure throughout my body. He grabs both my arms and take my hands behind my back to bind them together as a start of his signature box tie. He knows I like to be tied tight and today, he is true to form, pulling the rope very tight across my body, imprisoning my arms more and more, rending me totally helpless and at his mercy to get started on the legs for the real fun as he knows that we can't do any rope pain on my upper body (hard limit, I cannot risk an injury, my hands are what I use to earn a living). Oh boy, he doesn't disappoint. He is tying my legs together by pulling the rope very tightly on each turn, sending wave of pleasure along the way and thus sending me to lalaland. This is what I like about this, being in this state where everything feels so good. It doesn't matter I am starting a new shift in 3 hours when I have finished my last one 2 hours ago. At the moment, I feel so so good.

Unfortunately, as my time is short, James starts untying me, bringing me back to planet Earth and to reality. I am going to be flying still by the time I go back to the office but that's OK. There won't be anyone as I'll be on my own. I might have a quick nap before I leave, though I don't know how I'll manage.

Anyway, this is all from me for now. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll pop in soon, I promise.

I am a rope switch, most definitely

Today was the confirmation that I am a rope switch. I like topping.

But also I can only top one person so far but am confident that, when my rope knowledge & safety knowledge increase, I will be able to take on more.

On both occasions I have tied, it has been rope without emotions.

I would love to find out how it feels when you are leading the magical dance. I feel I have this in me to do it.

I certainly will pursue this, among all my other endeavours.

R for Reason - #SpankingA2Z

Funishment, we don't need a reason to get them. I am all for them and I'll be the one to trigger them, knowing how much of a brat I am.

Funishment is punishment you do for fun. This is brilliant. Now, you can indulge in a bit of spanking, flogging or corner time if it is your thing.

For me it is about feeling the control that my Dom has over me. It is all about the control. But it needs to be done in a fun and pleasurable way for both parties.

Yep, funishment, you don't need a reason to indulge. Just go for it.

Q for quality - #SpankingA2Z

I choose my friends very carefully. I don't have hundreds of them. They are a dozen at most. But they are the people I enjoy being with.

I have noticed though that the greater majority are actually much younger than me, actually this is great.

But at the same time, I am faced to my own limitations as a single mum. I see all that they do and I am happy for them, it's brilliant. It is just not possible for me. So I am there on the outside looking in.

I went to the Crunch on Friday and had the realisation that this event is no longer for me. Why? The bar used to be opened by 7 and I could socialise a bit before leaving at 8:30 / 9 to be with my son. Opening at 8 makes it now totally pointless. And that's OK. I just won't do that one.

Now you are wondering why I mention quality... All my friends are brilliant and different. Some are completely vanilla (a tiny minority) and most are totally kinky. They are all clever, interesting, challenging, positive basically they are alive! I keep in touch with them because they bring me such a joy. But I don't just take anyone on board. They have to  have that "je ne sais quoi" that makes them stand out from the crowd. Once friend with me, you tend to be friend for life. I have 2 friends who have stuck around for all these years, P & V. They are both equally my best friends.

Those new friends have the potential of having such a marked influence in my life though only time will tell. I have met my soul mate as no one before got me the way he did but it only lasted a few months. You see, this is what I mean about quality. It is not a matter of number or length of time, it is all in the quality of the relationship.

P for Penis - #SpankingA2Z

Ahhhh Penis

Now this is such a good subject.

Men are so proud of their penis, what they look like, how big they are, how straight they get, how they'd like to fuck us with it.

Even men are so proud of it that they think we'd recognise them from their penis (I mean penis profile pictures on Fetlife).

Come on men, the shape or length of your penis is irrelevent. It is a penis, that's all, the same as I have a vagina. It is there for a function, to have fun. Just don't make life complicated for yourself. Your penis is great. Don't fret.

O for oh, ah ooooooh ORGASM! - #SpankingA2Z

I don't know how a man feels his orgasm but God, being a woman is great.

I have noticed my orgasms are much better in my older age (well middle age really) than when I was younger. Also, I am becoming proficient in the use of vibrators and more vibrators!  I am now starting my collection, having ordered a new one and getting a Fifty Shades of Grey special edition for free (not that I care for the FSOG brand, if I get high up, then I'm all good). 

The fact that I can have sexual pleasure on my own means that not being in a relationship is not so much of a downer. And therefore, I can still be happy with my own life, looking after my kid, going about my business and get a bit of pleasure on the side, on my own terms.

What's not to like?

Grey - ready for it?

OK, the Fifty Shades frenzy is here with us again, this time not from Anastasia's point of you but that of Christian Grey. We had a preview of this at the end of the third tome.

So lets brace ourselves for all the misconceptions, jokes, satire whatever coming from people who:

1. have not read the books
2. have read but is taking the author's words as if she wrote a documentary on a BDSM person rather than A WORK OF FICTION
3. are people from the scene and take everything she wrote at the first degree.

Let's be straight here: Christian Grey is an abusive bastard, but one who is growing as a person throughout the book.

Yes, Christian Grey is portrayed as damaged. But it is only a character in the book and it doesn't reflect reality.

My point is, it is all a work of fiction. Just get on with it. There are plenty of other books like that. It doesn't mean that they are a reflection of reality.

Us BDSM people are the same as non-BDSM people. We are not different to Bob, Peter or Charles. We just like our sex extra-spicy.

In case of misunderstanding

I just had a thought. I hope you guys out there are not thinking that I am thinking that FL is a waste of time, as well as groups in FL are a waste of time. They all serve a purpose and I have known a number of great people via these groups. I have learned a lot about myself through their questions and stories.

Nevertheless, for me, it is time to focus my energy on something else. I am in the process of rebuilding my life and this is what I need to do.

Fetlife is great, groups are great, and Fetlifers are a fantastic bunch of people.

So that you don't get me wrong.

Fetlife reflex

That's it, I went to Fetlife today to respond to emails and I didn't check my feed for fear of falling into temptation again.

When checking the internet, I find myself entering Fetlife address by reflex, not even thinking about it. It shows how much it has gone into my blood. It is a tool to use to lose time.

I am reclaiming my time to do things instead like playing with my ropes (that was happening in any case).

I miss receiving FL group emails but at the end of the day, these were meaningless. I have done a Hotmail sweep on those and since I have been on FL (something like Sept / Oct 2014), I have received over 5500 emails. Yep, you read that right. This is how much emails you get when you are member of big groups and are active there.

But definitely I am moving on and will focus on the things that really matters.

N for Naughty - #SpankingA2Z

Ah N for naughty

First of all, I have been very naughty falling off the bandwagon but unfortunately real life came about and knocked me down a bit. I am now good and ready to go.

Why N for naughty?

Those who know me will know that I am very good at brattitude and knows how to push those lovely Doms' buttons, usually at the risk to my own person!

Being a brat is more than just for fun. I have a deep desire to challenge the authority. Oh boy, you give me the hand, I'll take the arm for sure!

And I am very quick at thinking on my feet and will find a way to continue my brattitude.

Fortunately, if the Dom is good at his job, he will nip my brattitude at its infancy and I will also most certainly have a red bottom!

I am addicted to Fetlife

Funny thing how we are addicted to receiving emails even if they are junk or irrelevant.

I have removed myself from all Fetlife groups and therefore I am not receiving anything anymore. I have withdrawal symptoms.

I have seen someone liking one of my writing,   I had to resist going to check which writing she liked. I am not going to do that. I will resist. 22 hours before I allow myself a peak at Fetlife and it will only be a peak as I will try to make it 48 hours next time to increase it to only once a week or prior to an event to ensure it is still on.

Fetlife is a drug and I am treating it like that weaning myself off something I have used to occupy my days when I didn't have anything better to do. But now, it is different. I am working (I don't know for how long) and I have a purpose. I am no longer floating randomly anywhere. I am back on my straight line.

It is good to be on that line.

All change, all change

All change, this is the last stop, all change.

At the moment, I feel I have gone as far as I could in the world of kink and I am stepping back a bit, focusing on me and making me happy.

I have neglected my writing the past 2 weeks and it shows. I have to go back to it and be more serious this time.

I have wasted time looking for that elusive Dom who could take me on but I don't regret doing it as it made me realise that I will not cheapen myself in order to be with someone nor would I sacrifice my integrity.

Here's the thing. My integrity is paramount to me.  This is what makes me. It is what ensures my sanity.  So, unless I meet the person in real life, and we click and we decide that we are right for each other, I will remain single.

I have mentioned stepping back but I am not completely removing myself from the kink world together. I will attend events, albeit only the ones that I get something from.

I need to go back to my writing but this time, I want to get cracking on my book and I have to resume the A to Z spanking challenge.

So where does that leave us?

I will carry on writing on my blog. I'll try to resume posting some erotica though my lack of practical experience is now curbing my imagination. I am sure I'll find a way to keep you entertained.

There you have it.

Art

As I can't seem to be adequate for Doms out there, I am taking back my gift of submission and will focus on my art instead. I have my pen name so I should get cracking about my book. Also I have decided on Langue de Chat for my name as a photographer.

At the moment, I do my photos with my phone but I may look at investing into a professional camera that I would keep with me always for those candid moments like a potted cat!

I have waited all my married life to share something with someone and it didn't quite happen. It looks like it is not going to happen out of my marriage too, at least for a while.
I can as well use this time over something positive, which makes my happiness, my art.

I have a lot of learning to do. But I am going to learn.

I wanted to be a photographer for a long time, since being at the university. I have folders of nature's postcards or Scottish postcards (I have always been attracted by Scotland and would have emigrated there back in 1996 if I thought I would succeed - unfortunately London proved a more reasonable choice). I had bought a proper camera then and did do some great pictures in the Jardin de Luxembourg, especially that big fountain hidden by the leaves and trees.

I have fond memories of my first attraction and I am definitely going back to my roots there.

Am I too scary?

I am clever, cerebral, kinky, self-assured & confident, strong minded and I like violence in the bedroom.

Reading this... That could intimidate some men out there.

But really, you shouldn't. I am just a normal girl.

Doms out there... don't be scared of primals

We all seem to like our labels: subs, brat, primals, masochists.

Some people are one of these things, others are two of these things, I am all of these things.

Does it make me any less sub than others? I don't think so.

Does being a brat means you are not a sub? I don't think so.

Submission is putting yourself under the will of someone else within the agreed parameters of the relationship. The dynamic can take many forms and does not necessarily mean that the submissive will let herself put down unless she choose to be in that position. You see, Doms get to have submissives because the submissive chooses to submit and to submit on her terms.

This seems to be something a bit tough to accept for some of the Doms out there. Yes, it is totally OK for subs to have limits. Subs do have limits, as Doms have limits too.

I am so sorry but I will only submit within the limits I have agreed to submit to. Within these limits, I will be totally obedient, except the odd time when I will fancy ... a bit of brattitude. But then it is up to you to make sure that I don't brat you. It is all in the control. Control me and I'll be obedient.

But you know what, I am tired of trying to justify who I am, what I do, how I play, why I play this way.

Now if you want to play with me, I'd gladly do it if you are happy with who I am.
If you want to be my Dom, well, you need to be OK with the whole of me. I don't want you to be with me just to fuck me. I am not a fucktoy.

Take all of me or don't take me at all.

M for Music - #SpankingA2Z

M for music

My life does have a soundtrack. Important times in my life have been punctuated by specific songs.

When my D/s relationship broke up, I was very much listening to Robyn, Be mine. It very much corresponded to how I was feeling at the time. It could have been on any other subjects, but I thought it was what I needed at the time.

The chorus goes like this:

You never were and never will be mine

I think it reflects very much the fact that relationships are that. We don't belong to one another. We just share a moment, a joy, a pain. Also inherently we are free and as free beings, we have the right and obligations to be true to ourselves and end a relationship when there is no longer something positive to be gained from it.

It may sound cold but it makes that moment shared all the more valuable. I have spent 17 years with someone I was not happy with, and he unhappy with me. Now we are both happy apart. Being free makes all the difference.

I am starting a new relationship with someone new. I am looking forward to sharing other great moments and possibly have a new iconic song.

At the moment, it is Cascada, Glorious!

L for love - #SpankingA2Z

Love, now this is a subject that scares me.

Love is great when all is rosy.
Love is makes you more energetic, clever, interesting...

But love scares me as it hurts when it doesn't work anymore.

In the end, what do we love? Do we love the person or the relationship we have with that person?

How do we differentiate between the two of them?

Love, I think I need to write something about it. But I am too late today to do that. It will be for another time. Feel free to comment with your ideas.

K for Kink - #SpankingA2Z

K had to be for Kink.

I am kinky as fuck and I am proud to be. Life is so much more colourful when you are kinky and I am so happy to be a member of this world.

I am looking forward to being an active participant again. 😊

J for Juggling - #SpankingA2Z

J was a hard letter but actually juggling between vanilla and kinky lives is equally hard.

Being a single mum makes it that bit harder. But I now have a good relationship with my son's dad and things are now OK and we all have a happy life interacting with each others.

Now, adding kink to the mix and it makes it even harder if the other person has commitments too.

I work part-time and will use this freedom to enjoy my kink, enjoy my writing and photography.
Summer is here and it is the time to be out.

My writing is suffering a bit as I haven't lived my kink so much lately and it is what feeds my inspiration. Hopefully I will have a Dom soon which will resolve this problem. Even though most of my writing originates from my imagination, there is always an element of reality attached to them, albeit very small in most of them but still reality is always the starting point of my writings. I wouldn't write if it wasn't to express something that I need to express, that I need to understand and make sense of or something that I need to feel.  But all this takes time and time is limited when you are a mum.

But I am happy to let you know that I am on my way to resolve all these issues and resume on writing naughty stories for your pleasure.

In the meantime, I leave you with this rose that I have taken the picture of this morning.

I for I - #SpankingA2Z

Well, I could only be I, isn't it? The only thing that is most important to me and you is to look after the "I", making sure that "I" is happy, satisfied, not frustrated, getting the right level of rewards and frustrations and be the best "I" that can be.

Now how can that be made better?

By listening to what the "I" wants?

I want a good old fashioned spanking. Well, either I do it myself or I get someone to do it for me.

I want to put my feet up tonight and get my slaves to look after me for once, well I could always call up some (before you wonder, I don't have any slaves and would not have anyone do that for me, I very much look after myself, thank you).

Now, let's get to something a bit deeper.

I have been told that "I" will never be this or will never be that.

I have been told that "I" will never get this or will never get that.

I have been told that "I" am not good enough.

Well, let me tell them this:

I will be who I am meant to be.

I will get what I am meant to get.

And I am so good enough!

H for Hobby - #SpankingA2Z

I am totally fascinated by ropes, by its power over the body and mind and it is my hobby. I dedicate a lot of time to my hobby.

Rope gives pain and pleasure.
Rope gives anguish and peace.
Rope can make someone beautiful or no as it can be used to distort rather than harmonise.

Rope is a bit like Ying Yang, 2 sides of a same coin.

I can't live without ropes anymore. Ropes are in my DNA. I need it as much as I need to breath. Actually, ropes is much more than a hobby. It is essential.

God, I love ropes.

G for Gain - #SpankingA2Z

I had a lot of choices for G. I was suggested gagging on cock for instance or I was thinking gross. I chose instead Gain.

Why Gain?

Because there is a lot to be gained when you let someone in your life, when you take a chance.

There is a lot to be gained when you go out there and you interact with people.

There is a lot to be gained when you realise that the secret to happiness doesn't lie in others but very much inside of you.

Sometimes you are invisible to others, sometimes they see you. But you always see yourself and you are always with yourself. Therefore, there is a lot to be gained in taking a chance and live your life for yourself.

A one night stand with possibilities - Part 3

Oh My God, this is so exciting, I so never have done something like this before. I only met Jack yesterday and I am going to his hotel room!  This is really bonkers.

As he opens the door, he lets me in so that I can take in the view which doesn't disappoint. He is in a quite large suite, again in Rococo style and with gold being the dominant colour here. The bathroom contains a very big bath with jacuzzi, a bidet (God knows what it is used for), a twin sink and a toilet with a gold coloured seat. I am in the lap of luxury!

- Claudine, come and join me in the bedroom.

- I'm coming Jack.

And I am welcomed to his collection of toys which doesn't disappoint: whips, floggers, crops and a lot of other fun things. I wonder how many luggages he has taken with him!

- Claudine, I want you to choose the toys you would like me to use on you. We haven't discussed limits so we can do that at the same time. What are your hard and soft limits?

As I make my choice, I enumerate what I don't want him to do, what I would like to try and what I like done on me. I choose a soft leather flogger and a nice crop.

While I chose the implements, he went to get a metallic collar which he is holding in his hand and a key that he is holding on his other hand.

- Claudine, I would like you to undress now. Remove everything.

Which I duly do.

- Claudine, kneel by the bed, I am going to put on this collar on you. As soon as it is on, you are my property to do as I please. We'll use the traffic light safewords. Are we OK on those?

- Yes Sir

- Good girl.

And he puts the collar on, locking it via a tiny screw that I cannot access.

- Put your hands in front of you. I am going to cuff you with these police issued handcuffs. They are inescapable.

And that he did. He pushes my head down the bed and starts spanking me harshly, straight from the onset. I try to lift my head but I can't as he is holding it down. I can't even push him away as my hands are cuffed. So here we go.

As he spanks me, he puts his hand on my sex and can feel my juices flowing. So he spanks me some more.

He grabs the flogger and starts flogging me rhythmically, also hard.

I am starting to get my shot of endorphin to my brain and I am starting to fly. This is so good.

He grabs a condom and fucks me doggy style but doesn't let me orgasm and leaves me wanting for more.

He takes the crop and starts hitting my tights, on the outside first and then on the inside. He does it gently and then hits hard on my clit. Oh God, what's that! I almost orgasm at this point.

And he does it again, on the outside and then on the inside and then the clit. This is so good.
And I have a body shattering orgasm.

He grabs some rope and ties my breasts very tightly, restricting my breathing and makes me lie on my back on the bed.

At that moment, something happens in my head and the animal is awakened. I am cuffed but I am trying to escape, to fight back and to leave the bed.

Jack grabs both my arms and pins them down. Already with a condom on, he straddles me and fucks me again. He no longer holds my arms but the handcuffs, pushing me down further. With the lack of breath, the endorphin rush, the orgasm, the sex, I am completely in another world, I am so flying.

When he is finished, he removes the handcuffs and lets me lie on my side. He puts his arm over my chest, still tied and holds me close.

- Claudine, I am going to untie your breasts, remove the collar and I would like you to get dressed up and we'll talk.

Now that's a surprise. We just had a great time and this sounds... odd. I do as he says and he asks me to join him on the side of the bed.

- Claudine, I really enjoyed it tonight. I am leaving on a business trip tomorrow and won't be back for another 3 months. I don't know what you would like to do but I would definitely like to see you again when I come back. I cannot offer you a relationship but just casual sex. I really like you.

- Jack, I was not under any illusions. I really liked tonight and yes, I'd like to see you again when you're back.

We chatted some more and then I left. I had a great night. But it looks like it may be just one night, a night stand. Yes, we might see each other again, but yet again we might not.

At least, I have followed my heart and had a good time. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

F for Fellatio - #SpankingA2Z

In the BDSM world, oral sex, especially fellatio, seem to be a really big thing. I have ended a few negotiations with potential Doms as the F act was too high up on their agenda.

But for me, here's the thing. It scares the hell of me. I have never managed to do it properly and I feel disgust when I have a cock in my mouth.

I don't mean that I don't want to try again.

I mean it is going to be a hell of a mountain to climb.

E for Education - #SpankingA2Z

This is not Educating Rita but educating Tess we're concerned here.

Tess went from a normal dull mum, bored in her married wife life, to a funky, kinky full on bonkers erotica writer (when she has the time) looking to recruit a Dom to complete her education in all things BDSM and sex (so much fun to be had still).

In the past 3 months, Tess found out that she was primal and according to the NHS good health guidelines, it is a very good thing, for being primal mean being very energetic, doing lots of cardio exercise pushing that Dom away and thus meeting the minimum weekly exercise requirements to be healthy. It can only be good. Now, where is my personal trainer...

D for Devotion - #SpankA2Z

I am all playful and all naughty but I am also a sub. My Dom is my leader, my guide, my protector.

I offer him my devotion, my servitude, my whole being.

Submission is very strong and very much defines me in every areas of my life, including in the office where I have found myself wanting to put myself in service of others (ie helping others).

I am very devoted to what I do, no matter what they are: my work, my writing or my relationships. Either I give my all or I don't bother starting.

D is definitely for Devotion.

C for Connection - #SpankA2Z

One of the things I love about playing with people is the human contact, the connection both mental and physical.

This connection is magical, like a dance where one is applying his will onto someone else and the recipient gets to experience a wide range of sensations ranging from pleasure, pain to catharsis. I don't know what a top experiences but I do know that I get to lose myself in a completely different world where nothing matters any more, where everything is good and pink.

I have played only twice this month and I so miss this human contact, this connection. God I gotta play.

A flower in stone

It goes to show that beauty can be found in the strangest of places

B is also for Bondage - #SpankA2Z

Bondage is so important to me. It is the big thing in my sexuality and without it, I cannot express that side of me.

I don't like bondage that is nice and cosy. I am not a fluffy person. Bondage has to restrict, it has to hurt.

What I and my ex had noticed is positions that are meant to be harsh and though are actually pleasurable for me and comfortable. It is as if I have a reverse switch compared to what is usual response when presented to a situation.

I like all sort of bondage though my favourite tool is rope. I like the feel of steel, the harshness and coldness of it. I want to experience being bound in steel chains one day from top to bottom. Due to my size, the person will need a lot of it but I do hope someone out there will be up to the challenge.

B is definitely a good letter.

Sent from my Windows Phone

B should also be for Buses

Every morning is the same, you wait for your bus to go to work and it is always full up, except that it is virtually empty at the back. Drivers don't see that and refuse to stop, thinking their buses are full, except that they are not.

I should have taken the train... Bloody Buses.

B for Bravado - #SpankA2Z

Everyone knows I am a brat. And I am so good at it. But it is all bravado in order to elicit a reaction from my Dom which usually happens as I often end up over his knees for a spat of spanking.

Spanking is not a punishment for me, it is just pure fun on both side resulting in lots of giggles, a sore bottom and an equally sore hand!

Yesterday's bravado was making my Dom horny by sending him some alluring messages during the day. I was so succesful that he was all worked up when coming home and we went straight to the bedroom. I definitely scored yesterday!

A for Animal - #SpankA2Z

In bed I am an Animal. I like it rough and hard. I fight tooth and nails too and will not surrender until I am made to surrender.

But the harder I fight, the harder my punishment is and it is usually spanking.

It can take many shapes and forms but usually it is very painful.

Nevertheless, I will not have it any other way as the fun is far too much fun to let it go and be all meeky.

I am a black panther, very seductive, very clever and oh so deadly if you cross me.

But also I am addictive as the love you get from me can be found nowhere else for I am unique and a prize so worthwhile to claim.

So this is me, I am an Animal.